Author of:
I'd rather not know...
Traffic Light Discussion Topics with Prospective Mates
Full Speed Ahead? ♦ Caution? ♦ STOP?
What do you and don’t you want to know or care about in a prospective mate, now or ever?
These questions are the basis of our interactive relationship presentations and workshops.
Wife and husband team Beverly Molander and Dave Savage bring their years of relationship experience, skills and ideas to their interactive presentations and workshops.
When you meet someone, who seems like they have the potential to be “The One” , you’ll ask them questions and observe their behavior to discover if you could be a match.
This pre-commitment guide is a tool to revealing and clarifying the morals, habits, beliefs, limits, goals and priorities that run your potential partner’s life and yours.
Share and compare your responses to 100’s of REAL LIFE situations and issues that make and break relationships.
There are no right or wrong answers to these topics that cover all ages and types of relationships.
What do you want to know about early in your relationship?
Some things you’ll learn by conversation and observation and other things learne and validated in conversations with their friends and family.
Help yourself, a friend, a family member or clients, to make a wiser choice, or at least go into a relationship with eyes wide open.
Dave Savage in Atlanta 404 323-8686 dave@davesavage.com
This pre-commitment guide is a tool to revealing and clarifying the morals, habits, beliefs, limits, goals and priorities that run your potential partner’s life and yours.
Share and compare your responses to 100’s of REAL LIFE situations and issues that make and break relationships.
There are no right or wrong answers to these topics that cover all ages and types of relationships.
What do you want to know about early in your relationship?
Some things you’ll learn by conversation and observation and other things learne and validated in conversations with their friends and family.
Help yourself, a friend, a family member or clients, to make a wiser choice, or at least go into a relationship with eyes wide open.
Dave Savage in Atlanta 404 323-8686 dave@davesavage.com
Orientation and Introduction
Chapters
1. Sex and Romance – Attitudes, Skills, Knowledge, Experience and Expectations
2. Daily habits and preferences
3. Core Philosophy and Behavior that Runs Your Life
4. Your Self Image and Self Esteem
5. Your History
6. Work and Career
7. Money and Financial Issues
8. Politics & Economic Outlook
9. Religion
10. Morals and Manners
11. Friends
12. Upsets, Hostility and Anger – Feelings and Expression
13. Handling Stress and Difficult Situations
14. Small Preferences
15. Expectations About Your Mate
16. Accomplished Partners
17. Communication Style
18. Special Occasions and Holidays
19. Looking Good For Others
20. Your Future
21. Health Issues – Physical & Emotional
22. Parents, In-Laws, Exes and Other Family Issues and Priorities
23. Interests, Hobbies and Rcreation
24. Home environment and Style
25. Petse
26. What Does Marriage Change? Your Evolving Relationship
27. Children
28. Breaking Up & Divorce
29. I Don’t Care. I Don’t Want to Know. It’s Just Not Important to Me.
30. Appendix – How to measure and express your responses more accurately
Orientation and Introduction
TO MOST EFFECTIVELY USE THIS MATERIAL...
In addition to the specific answer or response you give to a question or issue, you may find it worthwhile to show the intensity of your feelings by expressing it on a 1-10 scale. You can use the rating profiles at the end of the introduction to more fully express your feelings and show how well you understand your partner’s position on the same issues.
Some of these questions cross over into several areas of our lives and appear in multiple sections, in different forms. For convenience, many questions are phrased as a one-way inquiry, but are meant for sharing.
The questions will require that you be specific about the limits, priorities and boundaries in your life. What behaviors will you and your partner accept or reject? These questions will help you remember and express your important issues.
You may find your partner’s response to some of these issues to be very intense and out of character. On selected issues, even the most highly educated or mature adults may revert to what you think of as infantile or “knee jerk” attitudes and reactions. To see your partner “go over the deep edge” can be very disturbing and should lead to deeper discussions and perhaps some counseling.
Testing The Waters One More Time
What do you really want to know about a potential partner?
The pond looks fresh, at least fresher than the swamp you escaped earlier. You decide it is safe enough to at least dip your big toe, for a test. You certainly aren’t secure enough to taste the water.
The trepidation you feel at the thought of another plunge into the unknown has spared you from many mucky situations and has also prevented you from many glorious swims.
The water at the edge of the pond looks clear enough, but what kinds of trash and sharp objects lay in the mud in the murky parts, where we can’t see the bottom. We known something is out there. Do you want to risk the possibilities?
This book provides the probing stick and bacteria test kit to help you identify what is in the pond, before you venture in. Some people are willing to go for a swim, without touching the bottom or putting their face in the water. Do you enjoy surprises? Will this be the swim of your life, finally? Can the debris injure or kill you? How much and what kinds of natural and artificial particles are acceptable to you? Hospital emergency rooms get cut feet and broken necks each summer from people jumping into unknown and unchecked ponds. Will the experience allow you to escape with a positive attitude, sufficient enough for you to look at other ponds with excitement and anticipation?
You need more information the next time you see a pond that looks enticing or inviting...
Introduction & Suggestions When asked what characteristics are important to them in future mates, most singles mention a sense of humor, outgoing personality, decent looks, a good income, etc. These features may be good enough for casual dating, but are they enough for you? What are your issues and questions to address before you "fall in love" , get "involved" or choose your partner in life?
What specifically do you need and want to know about a mate, before you commit yourself?
How long are you willing to wait to learn about the differences that can and have caused your relationships to break up in the past?
These are questions you might want to ask yourself. Hopefully this book will make it easier to decide early in a relationship if it is going to be worth the effort and time to pursue.
The questions in this book are not intended to portray your intended as "suitable" or "unsuitable". The goal is to reveal if your relationship can work, despite the differences between reality, your ideals, values, and expectations.
What you start out looking for is seldom what you end up with. What you dream about is usually not what you can afford. Availability, proximity and the length of your search often conspire to help you see suitability where little existed before. Feelings of greener pastures and comparisons creep into your thoughts. Searching for a partner in life has many of the characteristics of a search for a house.
What do you want to know first? What are you going to determine through observation and what are you willing to ask? What do you need to see and hear before you will ask the person for a date or accept one?
After you’ve gone out a few times, you’ve got the answers to more questions and concerns. If you are both still giving each other go signals, you will, at some point, decide to get more serious about the long-term prospects for your relationship. If you have been down this road before, you will become more thoughtful about what you want to know about this person. At this stage, are you going to ask the same questions you asked your last partner? How does this person function on a day-to-day basis when they are not trying to capture your attention and heart?
Yes, he thinks you’re wonderful,too. You’ve shown your best side because you didn’t want to scare him off. One day, however, you are both going to ask yourselves. ... but could I live with you? This book is about the questions and issues that you might want to answer as you try to decide if this is THE ONE.
How many weeks, months or years are you willing to invest - this time - before you decide if you will cut and run? You need to make a decision before you find yourself emotionally and financially hooked to an inappropriate person.
Infatuation is a powerful drug that restricts clear thinking and judgment about relationships. Our body actually creates chemicals during infatuation to give us a natural high. We often block out damaging information that might undermine our initial excitement and cause a form of withdrawal.
We have often been waiting so long for the euphoria of infatuation that we want to hang onto the feeling for as long as possible.
Couples who develop their relationship slowly, who start as friends, are more open to unpleasant information about their partner. Taking the time to get to know someone allows each of you to see how the other would deal with a wide variety of situations. You also learn about your mate by observing their language and actions when with others; from stories about your partner, from their friends and relatives. Do most of the pieces of their puzzle fit together to give a clear picture? This book is intended to help you with this learning process. With it you will be able to look at and discuss a lifetime of situations in just a few hours. Learning & knowing more about your partner’s different points of view and behaviors won’t prevent power struggles but may lessen their intensity because they won’t come as a surprise.
In our discussions with friends with long term relationships, they repeatedly told us they could not have predicted their current relationship. Twenty or thirty years ago, they were different people and so were their dreams and expectations different. These long term couples repeated the phrase "growing together". Upon closer examination, most couples agreed that their marital longevity was based on a willingness to accept change and to be able to negotiate new agreements with a changing partner. Discussing these questions, can give you a good foundation of understanding where you are starting from and how your partner views the process of change.
The questions in this book will require that you be specific about the limits, priorities and boundaries in your life. What behaviors will you and your partner accept or reject?
These questions will help you remember and express your important issues.
You may find your partner’s response to some of these issues to be very intense and out of character. On selected issues, even the most highly educated or mature adults may revert to what you think of as infantile or “knee jerk” attitudes and reactions. To see your partner “go over the deep edge” can be very disturbing and should lead to deeper discussions and perhaps some counseling.
Even with good intent and therapy, many non-productive and destructive traits and habits will never change. These unfathomable aspects of someone are part of a total package that a partner is offering to you. Your ability to accept, love and respect the person with all of their emotional baggage and behaviors is crucial to a loving and lasting relationship.
Whether or not you have a potential mate, use this book to review and look at issues about yourself. These questions will help you direct and focus your thoughts into the various areas of your life. When you have someone you’re considering as a partner in life, use these questions to share and explore the values and interests that make each of you unique. Your partner’s response to these questions may help you predict their behavior to other issues and help you adjust your response to them. Seeing differences between you and your partner, early on, gives you time to test strategies for working out the differences, through discussion, agreements and compromise.
Not all of these questions may be suitable or relevant to you at your stage in life. Go over the book with a highlighter to prioritize your important issues.
In addition to inquiring about current beliefs and values it is very important to determine your potential mates willingness to change and history of actually making changes in their behavior and attitudes.
Ask yourself and your partner for examples of changes in attitudes, habits and behaviors that were made to accommodate the needs or desires of a partner. What was the process and how long did the change take and last?
INTENT, DESIRE AND ACTION
Intent and desire are not often connected to plans or actions. When you are sharing your dreams for the future, make sure you and your partner have realistic expectations about when and how you are going to work on your goals. How much of your attraction to your partner is tied up in what and when they will become “your dream”? Respect can be lost when you find your partner expressing intended actions that do not materialize. The area of intent and expected action is rife with conflict. I intend to: exercise, look for a better job, control my temper, stop smoking, clean up the storage room, mail the insurance forms.
When you express your intent to change ingrained behaviors, what expectations of change would you like your partner and family to have?
What do you expect to happen when someone expresses their intent to change but does not make specific promises of action?
How many “CRY WOLF” experiences does it take for you to lose trust in your partner’s reliability or your own? How long do you expect your family to accept your word and promises of changed behavior that seldom occurs?
Treasure or trash, is always in the eyes of the observer. And so it is with personality traits. Many times the trait can change its value for you, depending on your mood or experience. A 1990 Cathy cartoon monologue gets to the point. “...The thing that most attracts us to a person is the very thing that will ultimately drive you crazy. Fall in love with his independence and it will eventually make you crazy that he never does things when he’s “supposed” to... Fall in love with his attentiveness, and it will make you crazy that he doesn’t give you enough space... Fall in love with his drive to succeed, and it will make you crazy that all he ever thinks about is work... The quality that you love most is the quality that will start to repulse you, cause your biggest fights and rip your relationship apart”.
KNOW THY SELF AND GO FOR BALANCE.
TO MOST EFFECTIVELY USE THIS BOOK...
In addition to the specific answer or response you give to a question or issue, you may find it worthwhile to show the intensity of your feelings by expressing on a 1-10 scale. You can use the rating profiles at the end of the introduction to more fully express your feelings and show how well you understand your partner’s position on the same issues.
Some of these questions cross over into several areas of our lives and appear in multiple sections, in different forms. For convenience, many questions are phrased as a one-way inquiry, but are meant for sharing.
If you are looking for a partner, have a friend go over the questions with you. You will get far more from each question if you discuss them and get the feedback and insight from a good friend who knows your attributes and your faults. You might want to have a discussion among several of your friends or discuss some of the questions in your singles group. We guarantee a lively and informative conversation.
When discussing the questions, we often assume our partners are intentionally telling their true feelings and accurate facts. Finding out later that inaccurate things were said because they didn’t want to hurt our feelings or scare us away can lead to trouble down the line. Some people are sincere that they are giving the “truth”; and the facts are not true or the “whole truth”. Truth is very important, especially when it does not compliment us.
Semantics
The wording used in a question can have a big impact on how an issue is presented and answered. In new relationships, an unexpected answer or highly emotional reaction can often be traced to the use of a particular word. You may assume the word has nearly the same meaning as another, but your partner has gotten their “buttons pushed”. Certain words have very strong histories with us and may have been used and defined differently by our families. To us, the words bigot/racist or rational/reasonable may be interchangeable, but your mate may take great offense to one and not the other. Tone of voice and attitude also directly impact any conversation. Double meanings and opposite meanings are often the result of having an “attitude”.
Communications Style
The use of words like always and never may lead the listener to question the statement and a person’s ability to make reasoned and honest judgments. I feel very strongly that our choice of words and tone of voice makes a big difference in our ability to share opinions and ideas in an affirming and positive manner. The wording, tone, intent and double meanings of our communications are important because our ultimate purpose is not just to say what we mean, but to have the listener understand our thoughts and emotions.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone who stated their opinions as facts? “I saw the new comedy show on Monday night, and it’s not funny”. “We went to see the new adventure movie because it had great reviews; it was really terrible.” “The morning talk show host is a real idiot.” “My mother makes the best chicken soup in the world.” This way of expressing an opinion doesn’t give much room for someone else to express a different, but equally valid opinion. Be aware of this way of expressing yourself, as you discuss the questions.
Shared Vision
When discussing an issue, ask the questions in several variations of wording to cross check your answers and verify that you are getting a “true” picture of your partner’s intent and feelings. Add several variations of the situations mentioned to increase your understanding of a broad topic. Just to say you like pets in the house may be misleading if you wouldn’t want to have a snake. A follow-up question could have been, “what animals, creatures, rodents and insects don’t you want anyone in your family to have as a pet or school project.”
If an issue has many parts, break it up into several singleissue questions with examples and specifics. Remember that we usually ask questions with a particular mental picture backing it up. To ask if it is all right for your 17 year old to have an unsupervised party in your home will create wide responses, based on what you think a teenage party looks like and what you think of the maturity and intent of those involved. For the most clarity, qualify your answers, based on certain data and situations.
“I thought that we had agreed”
Jerry loved to garden and came from a farming family. His fiancée’, Pam , said she loved to grow flowers in the window boxes of her city home. She also fondly remembered picking vegetables in her grandparents’ garden. She told Jerry that she had dreamed that she would live in the country and have a large garden of her own. But they did not discuss the aspects or responsibility of gardening. Pam didn’t mention that she hated insects, and Jerry didn’t notice that he had never actually seen Pam working in the hot sun. When they got married, Jerry and Pam bought a home in the country with a few acres for the garden. Jerry soon realized, to his dismay and resentment, that Pam liked admiring “Jerry’s” garden and really just wanted to pick the vegetables as she had done in her grandparents garden. When the issue came to a head, they acknowledged that when first discussing gardening, they were truthful with each other, but had not looked deep enough at the implications of having their own garden.
Profound Experiences
Some experiences are so profound that your whole life and value system are shaped by it. If you had such an experience you and your partner need to understand what that experience meant to you and how it will influence the rest of your life.
Growing up in one kind of environment often colors a person’s entire outlook on life. A small farming community and a large inner city neighborhood tend to create a different picture of relationships, values and manners. War, disabilities, serious illnesses and near death accidents are some of the other experiences that have a profound and lasting impact on people’s lives. “...you can take Billy out of the farm, but you can’t take the farm out of Billy”. Understanding your partner’s experiences can give you insight into their attitudes and behavior.
If a question asks your response to a situation you have not yet experienced, express how you would like to respond when it occurs.
LISTED BELOW ARE CHAPTERS 1 - 7. For Chapters 8 - 30 Please contact Dave at dave@DaveSavage.com or 404 323-8686
CHAPTER 1
SEX AND ROMANCE - ATTITUDES, SKILLS, KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCES AND HABITS
Satisfaction and enjoyment of romance and your sexuality are a sign of compatibility, happiness, communication and security in many areas of your life.
Philosophical Issues Around Sex And Romance
Birth Control
Do you believe in birth control? Any forms that you wouldn’t use?
Who is responsible for birth control?
When and how do you prefer to discuss and use birth control?
What are your experiences and preferences with birth control methods?
Can you make using condoms or other birth control a fun part of sex play?
Flirting
How do you feel about flirting with people other than your partner?
What does it look like to you? When are you just being friendly?
What kind of flirtatious activities would I do at a party that would get you upset with me?
In what situations is flirting, by your partner towards others, OK with you?
How much do you enjoy flirting or being flirted with?
How do your "rules" change when you are married or in a committed relationship?
Wandering Eyes
Do you feel that your partner should never verbally or noticably admire the attractiveness of anyone other than you, especially when they are with you? Can you imagine a relationship where you each point out attractive people to each other? Do you think most people visualize others when making love as a source of increased labido?
Public display of affection
What kinds of public displays of romance or sexuality upsets or embarrasses you? (involving you or observing others)
In what situations are you willing or interested in being affectionate in public, and to what degree?
Sexual Environment
Some people have a difficult time allowing themselves to have sex if there is anyone else in the house or if they think someone may
hear them.
In what ways are you particular about your love making environment?
Does the danger of being discovered turn you on in any way?
The phone rings during foreplay or sex; when will you answer it if you are not expecting a call?
Who will you talk to after hearing them on your answering machine?
What other distractions will stop you in the middle of sex? (Your dog is barking
Sexual Interaction
What do you think of using sex toys with your partner, as part of foreplay or instead of intercourse?
What are your feelings about receiving and giving oral sex?
Whose satisfaction comes first? Does it matter to you?
What do you think about the general slowdown of sexual frequency over the years?
What are your expectations for yourself or your partner?
Do you believe marriage gives you any entitlement to (satisfying or profunctuary) sex? If yes, discuss.
Can a partner tell when you are faking sexual enjoyment or orgasm? Why or why not fake it?
Communicating About Sex And Romance
What is your anxiety/tolerance level and willingness to be open and direct when discussing your sexuality?
How long do you want to know someone before you will discuss your very personal feelings about sexual issues and concerns?
When and in what situation do you want to discuss issues involving HIV, AIDS and other venereal diseases?
These issues include trust and honesty about:
1. Your sexual history
2. Diseases you've had or have
3. Your willingness to test for STDs
Do you want to know the details of your partners sexual past that don't involve health issues?
If yes, what do you want to learn and why do you want to know?
Do you want to know more about your partners sexual past than you are willing to share about yourself?
Can and should you agree to not share certain information and feelings about your sexual past - or any other topics?
If you were sexually abused as a child, how long would you take before you would share about its' impact on your life?
How comfortable are you in directly asking for what you want sexually and romantically?
If you’re shy, how do you hope your lover will learn about your preferences?
Do you resist asking your partner for what you want romantically, to give your partner the opportunity to do it on their own?
How long do you wait?
If you eventually ask for what you want, is your pleasure reduced because your partner didn't think of it or care to ask what you want?
Do you prefer to discuss your likes and dislikes before having sex the first time or just "see what they do on their own"?
How and when do you tell or show your partner about what pleases you sexually?
Are you patient with your partner if they are having a difficult time becoming aroused? When do you give up trying to help your partner
arouse themselves?
What signals do you give to indicate that you just want to cuddle and not go further?
How do you let your partner know that you are interested or willing to go to the next step of foreplay or sexual activity?
Can you give some examples of the ways you verbally express your love and caring?
What are your thoughts about how often couples, in good relationships, give verbal affirmations of the other person's desireablity.
Do you resist giving or receiving affirmations or loving words?
Do you view the request or desire for loving words as neediness and dependency?
Do you use or like to be called pet names?
Which pet names do you like or dislike?
Chaper 2
DAILY HABITS AND PREFRENCES
Levels of tolerance, acceptability and pride are often driven and affected by the values of our parents. The answers to these questions may help you predict how he or she will act after the courtship.
When it comes to habits, there is a large difference between intent, desire and action.
Many people have deeply ingrained habits about their morning routine.
Do you do the same things each morning and in the same order?
Does it bother you to change your routine for weekends, vacations, your partner or any other reason?
Do you wake up in the morning in a sociable attitude or do you need quiet time to recover from sleep?
How long does it take for you to "get in gear" in the morning?
When you are in a “live in” relationship, are there certain tasks, chores or responsibilities that you assume are mostly yours because of
your sex; regardless of how “equal” you view your relationship? Such as killing bugs and rodents, taking out the trash, Bar-B Que,
washing the car, cleaning the rain gutters, writing thank you notes, mending the kids clothes, changing diapers, grocery shopping,
yard work, unclogging the drains and toilet, putting up shelving, balancing the checkbook...
What tasks do you hope you’ll seldom or never have to do, because you’ve found the “right” partner?
CLEANLINESS
What are your feelings about household cleanliness and organization?
Do you want to or expect to change your cleaning behavior?
Do you need to be “in the mood” to start to clean your home?
How were household chores shared in your previous living situations?
Do you want to continue that same pattern in the future?
How did you decide on and work out the division of household responsibilities in previous family situations?
What happened when someone didn't live up to their agreements in the past?
How did you work out your differences in standards?
Are there any chores you refuse to do, or feel entitled not to do?
If you are going to divide the household chores, which ones do you choose to do.
How do you decide how often certain chores “should” be done?
Is your belief based more on your tolerance and preferences or o n habits and family traditions?
What do you think the consequences should be for a family member who continually breaks promises about household chores?
How are the consequences different for parent, teen or child?
How much mess does there need to be in your home before you start to straighten up or deep clean?
Tell about your standards of cleanliness and organization for yourself.
Do you expect more of others than yourself?.
What is your cleaning style?
How do you adjust your standards of household cleanliness when you know family or friends are coming to visit?
Have you not had visitors because you were not willing to straighten up to company standards?
How often do you wash towels and sheets?
A STORY OF DECEPTION?
I recently overheard a young new wife, on a TV talk show, tell her new husband that she thought it was a waste of time and energy to make their bed, unless company was coming to visit. A made bed was important to him and she had made her bed when they were dating. He was upset at her new attitude and behavior. She informed him that while they were dating, he was the company and that if he wanted to make the bed for he next 50 years, he was welcome to do so.
THE JUNK DRAWER, CLOSET, ATTIC, BASEMENT, RENTED STORAGE SPACE
The age of financial papers in a junk drawer, can be an indicator of the willingness to avoid difficult and confusing issues through inaction. How many are there in your home and how old are the coupons and papers in them.
What would I learn about you by seeing the organization of your financial papers?
What things do you hang on to that you or others consider foolish, unusual or unneeded?
Is your junk area off limits to your partner?
Is It permissible for your partner to straighten up or touch your junk area without your permission or knowledge?
TIME MANAGEMENT
How punctual are you? What does punctual mean to you?
When do you tell people that you are running late?
What does it mean to you if someone is frequently late or early?
Are you satisfied with the way you manage your time and activities?
When do you put relaxation time ahead of responsibilities or promised tasks?
PRIVACY
Are there things that you consider "off limits" by anyone, including your partner; such as mail, old love letters or going through your
wallet, purse, pockets, dresser drawers or filing cabinet?
What information about you is off limits to mention to particular people or all people?
TELEPHONES
Spending time on the telephone with family and friends is an enjoyable way to maintain relationship and is very important to many
people.
How much time do you spend keeping in touch; how much of it is long distance?
When does it bother you to have your partner on the phone?
When your partner is on long distance for extended periods, does it bother you?
How much money are you willing to have family members spend on telephone calls?
When and at what age do you feel children "should" pay for their own calls?
CAR CARE
How well do you care for your car?
How do you decide how much to spend on tires and repairs or where you will have it done?
Do you shop around each time for the best price or do you go to the same place for extra service?
Are you willing to pay extra to avoid the "hassle" of shopping for a car repair deal?
CLOTHING
How do you decide:
What to buy?
How much to spend, in light of your financial situation?
How long it needs to last?
How often you can be seen in something?
What to get rid of?
How long to hold onto clothes that don't fit or are out of style?
Where to shop for clothes?
How well do you take care of your clothing? How much do you spend for cleaning services?
How do you determine when something needs to be washed or dry cleaned?
What do you do with clothing that needs mending?
Do you have the same expectations for your mate or kids when it comes to getting value from their purchases?
Is the floor, chair or exercise equipment an acceptable place to store your clothes?
How often does your clothing get cleaned or washed?
In what ways does the way you care for your own things reflect the way you would care about your mate’s things or your mate?
CHAPTER 3
CORE PHILOSOPHY AND BEHAVIOR THAT RUNS YOUR LIFE
Core messages are very difficult to bring to the surface and express. They are often based on what you believe a "normal and reasonable" person, like yourself, would think, feel or do. Most people express themselves and act out their lives based on the way they describe themselves and “see” the world.
Do you believe there is a purpose to your life? What do you think it is?
What difference does it make if you don't feel you have one or haven't discovered it yet?
Do you trust your ability to make appropriate decisions most of the time?
How has your decision making process changed your life?
Do you obey most rules without questioning them?
When do you question rules and try to understand them, intentionally ignore them or take a stand to repeal them?
How do you view and deal with red tape and rules that appear to be senseless?
Do you think of yourself as an trusting person?
Do you find yourself trusting people without enough questioning?
In what ways has your level of trust in other people affected your relationships?
Do you think you are a victim more often than others because of your level of unquestioning trust?
Are you a spender or saver by nature?
How have your spending and saving choices affected your life?
Do you accept full responsibility for the way your life has turned out?
To what degree is anyone else responsible?
How much do you value and keep the promises you make to yourself and others?
PREFERENCE, BIAS, PREJUDICE, BIGOTRY
What groups of people don't you care for and why?
What is your level of feelings about it?
Is there bigotry of any kind in your life or your family?
How is it expressed and when?
What kind of prejudice is acceptable to you?
How do you deal with bigotry when you encounter it?
What kind of racial, ethnic regional or other demeaning “humor” is acceptable to you, your friends or family?
HAVING ENOUGH
Many people live with "scarcity" as a major theme in their lives. There is only so much love or things to go around and whenever someone else gets something it is less for them. These people have a "get it while you can" attitude. There is never quite enough for them to be happy and easily become upset if others appear to have more or better relationships or things..
Do you have difficulty being happy with what you have at the moment?
Deferring happiness with “I’ll really be happy when…
Do you tend to take more than you need or more than your share of something?
When you split a cookie with someone, do you tend to keep the larger piece?
When you go to a food buffet line, do you take more than you eat?
Do you resent others when they get a promotion or new “toy”?
To what degree are you willing to make your happiness dependent on others fulfillment of your expectations for them?
BEING A LEADER OR FOLLOWER
Do you think of yourself more as a: leader or follower, seeker or avoider, observer or participant, pursuer or evader?
Are you comfortable with your approach to life?
When do you volunteer to lead or take charge of a situation?
What benefits are there to being a follower or leader for you?
Do you think of yourself as a loner or people person?
How has your opinion of yourself, in this area, affected your life?
PHYSICAL ADAPTABILITY
Your perception of when physical discomfort is worthy of complaint is often based on your prior experience with suffering in that area of life. Your worst experience becomes your baseline to compare future feelings. If you have missed a couple days of food in a camping trip, you’re not likely to be “starving” when you miss breakfast and lunch. If you have hiked 50 miles in the desert, you’re not likely to complain when the temperature reaches 90 degrees at the art festival. Discovering your partner’s baselines of discomfort will help you understand their levels of expressed discomfort. If your partner has been protected or isolated from discomfort, minimal changes from “wonderful” tend to be worthy of complaint or comment. This is part of the idea behind basic training in the military - it gives new baselines to compare suffering and the confidence to overcome and deal with it.
How does your behavior and attitude change with the indoor climate or outdoor weather?
What are your tolerable comfort zones-limits?
How much do you comment to others when the weather isn't to your liking?
Is your mood affected by your hunger levels or the kind of food you eat?
Do you think it is normal and reasonable to be irritable or upset when you are hungry, tired, uncomfortable or in pain?
At what point to you start to mention or complain about your discomfort?
How do you react when put in adverse conditions
HONESTY
Is honesty always the best policy with your mate?
In what situations would you withhold or delay the truth to "protect" your partner from emotional trauma or to avoid confrontation?
SAFETY
Is the world around you a dangerous place?
What do you do to protect yourself?
Are there places you won’t travel because of safety factors?
How habitual or concerned are you about locking doors and windows at home, at lodging or in vehicles?
Do you think it is ever advisable to carry or have a gun for "protection of yourself or your possessions; under what circumstances?
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES
Do you identify with an ethnic, national or cultural background?
How does it affect your life?
What do you do or believe that would indicate to others that you are a part of this group?
If you don't have a strong identity, do you think you are missing anything worthwhile?
How are your views on relationships affected by your national regional or ethnic identity? In what ways?
Do you have the “right” to insist on restrictive behaviors of your family members, because of your national or ethnic identify?
Are you personally entitled to any special privileges, powers, respect or traditional behaviors because of your identity?
“Because we are French, you should have known I would have affairs.”
“Because I am ______ your family should not expect me to _____ when I am at their home.”
“Because we are ______, you and the children are expected to ______.”
What do you, or your extended family, expect from each other, because of their ethnic or national identity?
Who “should” be understanding of the others needs and wants first?
WINNING AND LOOSING
Many people prefer win/lose over win/win relationships
Keeping score is a way of measuring our value.
How important is competitiveness and keeping score to you?
Are you satisfied to play sports and games without keeping score?
Do you often set up win/lose situations and challenges, rather than mutual appreciation experiences?
How are your arguments, discussions and partner relationships affected by your need to win or be right?
Do you think you can be successful at, and enjoy, work and sports without a competitive nature?
Can you be very competitive in all areas of your life except family inter-personal relationships?
CHAPTER 4
YOUR SELF-IMAGE AND SELF-ESTEEM
We tend to act out our self-descriptions; “I’m a romantic, therefore I look for romantic things to do” - I’m a tough guy, I don’t take any lip from anyone” - “I’m an intellectual, I love to learn new things and spend hours reading every week” - “I’m bored and have nothing to share and can’t think of much I like or want to do”
Your self image and self esteem are effected, in part, by your accumulation of knowledge and skills. Start a list of the useful and obscure things you know about and know how to do. If you are looking to make a marriage team, it might be useful to share with your partner a comprehensive list of the many assets you bring to the team. You can’t put together such a list in one sitting. Many things will come to you over time.
What are some of your self-descriptive words?
What do you expect from yourself based on these self-descriptions?
What would you say your partners self- descriptions are?
How is your life affected by your partner’s self- descriptions?
Are most of your self-descriptive words validated by the views of your friends, family and co-workers?
Lyrics in some love songs often have lines like; “you’re my everything” “you’re all I need” “I’m nothing without you” “I go crazy without you”. What are your thoughts about these kind of feelings and the messages you get from them?
Do you like to hear them from your partner?
What do you do to create or support your self-esteem, your confidence, your sense of security?
How do you think others have acquired these feelings?
Do you think it is something parents or others can give you?
Do you take total responsibility for creating situations to give them to yourself
What do you do to create or support your self-esteem, your confidence, your sense of security?
How do you think others have acquired these feelings?
Do you think it is something parents or others can give you?
Do you take total responsibility for creating situations to give them to yourself?
THE WAY YOU SPEAK TO OTHERS
Your speech pattern, accent and use of words identifies you in many ways. There are people who hang on to a thick foreign accent for decades, while others try to loose their accent as soon as they can. Actors often spend months trying get rid of a regional accent while their parents take pride in speech which clearly identifies the part of the country they come from. People with a strong ethnic identity may choose to increase their speech inflection to be more like the group. Your education and social class identification also affects the words you choose and the rhythm of your speech. We have all had the experience of barely being able to understand what others are saying. Our speech can make us very welcome or unwelcome in certain social circles and may limit the kinds of work we do or opportunities offered to us.
Your speech pattern will open and close opportunities in attracting and keeping a mate. Think of your reaction when a seemingly wonderful and attractive person speaks to you in a way that grates on your nerves. Poor speech like bad breath, friends will seldom mention it first to you. If you think the way you speak is limiting your life. ask friends to support you in changing. There are professional speech teachers. Actors use them regularly. Think of yourself as an actor training for a new role.
What do you think about your own use of language and the way you speak?
How do you think your speech pattern and vocabulary labels you in society?
Would you like your children to learn your way of speaking?
How have your speaking patterns affected your choice of friends and relationships?
CREATIVE EXPRESSION
How you view your degree of imagination and creativity often affects your willingness to try new things and express yourself. We each have areas that we think of ourselves as creative or unimaginative. A person who thinks they don’t have the creativity to cook isn’t likely to want to share kitchen responsibilities. We tend to spend time doing what we think we are good at.
What are your areas of creativity?
What activities do you resist doing because “you aren’t as creative or skilled as others”
People who view themselves as unique, curious and avant garde have a strong desire to stand out and be noticed; they often do things
that can be interpreted as embarrassing to their partner or family. Many other personalities strive to “fit in” and be like their peers.
In what areas of your life do you like to stand out? The labels on your clothes or vehicle?
In what situations do you strive to “blend in?’
How do you think your life has been swayed by your preferences to stand out or blend in?
Do you make most of your important choices by analyzing the facts or by gut feeling and intuition?
Do you usually prefer to be similar to your peers and your community; to blend in, or to stand out and be known as a unique and
different kind of person?
JEALOSY
Do you view yourself as a jealous person?
Do you think of jealousy as a sign that you love and care for your partner; the more you express your jealous and "protective" feelings,
the more you show your love?
In what kind of situations do you feel most jealous?
When your partner "looks" at an attractive person, do you view that person as a potential rival?
Describe the kind of traits you think the “other person” would have that would cause your partner to leave you for that other person?
What do you think is the relationship between love & insecurity, as it relates to jealousy?
Do you view your jealousy as a compliment to your partner?
How much can your partner talk, flirt or dance with others at a party before it bothers you?
Is your relationship or ego threatened by such behavior?
Is it an ego boost to know that your partner continues to be desirable by others and chooses to be with you?
SELF IMPROVEMENT
Have you attended any self-help or self-improvement courses?
How did and do they change the way you feel or act toward others?
How much group, couples or individual therapy have you had?
Do you share your therapy experience with others?
What have you given up trying to learn or do?
RISK TAKING
Do you consider yourself to be brave when confronted by physical or emotional challenges and danger?
Do others consider you to be brave?
Have you been in dangerous situations and how did you respond?
How much of a risk taker are you?
How does your level of emotional and physical risk taking impact your life?
How willingly do you:
...face rejection?
...introduce yourself to others at a party?
...ask friends or strangers for favors or assistance?
How is your level of risk taking expressed in the way you drive and ride as a pasenger?
What do you do that frustrates and angers you most?
THE WAY YOU LOOK AND PRESENT YOURSELF
Grooming says a great deal about who you identify with, your self image and how you present yourself to friends and strangers.
How do your positive and negative attitudes about your attractiveness affect your romantic feelings and behavior?
“Do you mean that we can’t dance at this wedding because you think your butt is too big and you think everyone will be watching?” “We don’t have any pictures of him or us because he didn’t like the way he looked in pictures” “Turn the lights out while I get into bed”
How much do your physical “defects” bother you and how often do you think about it?
What activities do you resist or avoid because of the way you think you look?
Which physical characteristics do you like about yourself?
Which of your physical features would you be willing to change?
What is your comfort level with being naked, in private and with your partner?
How was nudity handled and explained when you were growing up?
How would you or how did you handle nudity with children?
Would you go to a nudist beach or club; have you gone to one in the past?
What do you think of skinny dipping in "private" with your partner?
What are your feelings about the time, energy and expense of makeup, hair, nails and other grooming?
What image do you like to project: at work, at parties, doing errands, etc.?
Do you like and prefer your style, or is it just habit?
Would you like a make-over? What do you want to change?
Would you like your partner to groom or dress differently? If so, how?
What image are you trying to give and what messages do you think your hairstyle gives to others?
What do you think about the use of makeup in general?
What image do you want to project with the way you use, or not use, make up?
How much time and money does it take for your make up and skin care?
Do you ever make comments to friends or co-workers who do a poor orinappropriate job on their make up?
Do you except sloppiness in your self while making fun of others?
Do you ever ask for “honest” opinions about your clothes or grooming?
Men’s Clothing Issues
Wearing a suit or tie, some guys hate them and others feel more confident when wearing them. What are your thoughts about “dressing up”?
Boxer shorts or briefs; your preferences and why.
When you chose your clothing, are you aware and do you care that you represent your family out in public?
What do you wear for comfort around the house?
Would you wear something else, if it bothered or pleased your partner or children?
What are your expectations of your mate in regards to their compliments of your attractiveness to them?
In what ways is a partner’s physical acceptability affected by your view of your own attractiveness?
Tattoos And other Body Modifications
Historically, tattoos have identified people belonging to certain socio-economic groups.
What is your view of the many types of tattoos and the various amounts of body surface that people cover with them?
What do you think of tattoos on women?
Do you have any tattoos?
What would you tell your teenager who wanted to get a small hidden one or a very visible one?
What do you think of body piercing, including nose jewelry, multiple ear jewelry and rings in other parts of the body?
What would you tell your teenager about the social messages and consequences of body piercing?
What would you say to your child if they didn’t see a problem with body piercing because most of their friends did it and they didn’t plan
on socializing with people who thought it wasn’t “cool?”
Your Socio-Economic Status
How do you view your socio-economic status: among your friends? In your community? In the world?
Where do you think you are on the ladder; are you happy or satisfied with your status? Who are your social peers - people?
Where on the socio-economic ladder do you think you would be most comfortable and do you enjoy associating with the kind of people who you think are there?
What sacrifices are you willing to make to fulfill & maintain your ambition?
Do you feel comfortable socializing with others at different economic levels than yourself?
Would you fee comfortable in the home of a person far poorer or more wealthy than yourself?
How much difference in socio-economic status would be acceptable in a mate to you?
Do you think of yourself as an introvert or extrovert? How does that affect your social life?
How full would you like your social and activity calendar to be?
How much socializing is enough for you? Has your opinion changed over time? How?
Have differences in socializing desires been an issue in your previous relationships?
What do you have to achieve in order to consider yourself a professional success and not intimidated by others success=posit
How does your level of professional dissatisfaction affect your family and partner relationships?
Are you driven to work longer and harder to achieve your goals to the sacrifice of family time and energy?
CRYING
Do you view crying as a sign of weakness or strength of character for men?
Do you apologize for or try to hide your tears?
Under what kinds of situations do you cry?
What is your crying style?
How do you want your partner to respond to your crying?
How does it affect you to see others cry?
CHAPTER 5
YOUR HISTORY
We ask for references to hire someone to clean our house, baby-sit our kids or the pets or do the most simple tasks for us. In relationships, the applicants - our potential partners - are often insulted by our asking about past relationship performance.
Who are your relationship references and can I call them?
If you made a relationship resume’ that was styled like a job resume’, what would it say?
What kind of a person do you think it would attract?
Have you ever been arrested; convicted or spent time in jail?
How are you different because of the experience?
Military Experiences
Do you have any traumatic memories that have changed and affected your behavior or communications style, either positively or negatively?
How do you view your military experience now?
Would you encourage your children to join the military?
Crime Experience
People will admit to robbery, assaults, or burglary before admitting that they were “gullible and naive” enough to be a victim of a con game, crooked contractor or financial advisor or scam of some sort.
Have you been a victim of, or have you been deeply affected by, any form of crime?
What has your experience been in any crime experience and how are your actions different because of the experience?
Financial Difficulties
Have you ever declared bankruptcy?
Have you ever had any court action involving you?
Do you have any on-going financial obligations - responsibilities due to past problems?
Relationship References
Have you ever lived in a committed and loving relationship with a partner?
How many times have you been married?
How many times have you been engaged?
If I interviewed your past mates, what would they say about your:
ability to negotiate and compromise?
self sufficiency?
parenting skills?
romance and love making skills?
temper and anger?
nurturing and caring attitude?
What were the primary reasons your relationship didn't “work out"?
How would your past partners , and their familiy comments about you be different from what you say about yourself ?
Are you still friends with and or socializing with an ex or their family? In what ways?
How much responsibility do you take for the type of relationships you’ve had in the past?
CHAPTER 6
WORK AND CAREER
Our work is often the label we give ourselves. Feelings of success and failure in our work often give us courage and fear in other areas of our life. Your energy level at the end of your work day is one of the best indicators of satisfaction, feelings of accomplishment and purpose to your job. Your job, because of this energy rush or drain, directly affects all of your relationships.
So much of our status or position in society is based on the work we do and the people we know because of our work.
How do you feel when you tell others what you do for a living?
Do you feel a need to enhance the description of your job title or responsibilities?
How is your career going?
Are you satisfied with your career development?
Are you proud to tell others what you do for a living or the kind of work you are looking to get?
In what ways does your work identify your personality type?
Do you think of yourself or describe yourself as your career, rather than what you are doing now?
(“I'm an aspiring actress working as a waitress.” I'm an electrical engineer working at hardware store)
Compare your career to where you thought you'd be at this time of your life?
Is your career a reflection of the amount of time, energy and training you have spent on education and skill development?
What would it take for you to “get off your butt” and start working on getting the kind of work that would make you happy?
Do you feel stuck in your current position?
Do you want to do the same thing you are doing now, until retirement?
What career goal and plans do you have?
What work would you be doing if you had the ultimate job that you think you are capable of achieving?
What were your best and worst jobs you’ve had thus far?
How did they affect you?
Working "excessive" hours is often based on emotional needs rather than mandated requirements. Some people have worked extra hours to avoid family problems or family members. What has been your experience?
How many hours a day or a week does it take for you to do your job to an acceptable level? To your standards? To your bosses standards? To get the promotion you want?
How important is your mate's job and career ambition to your respect and admiration of them?
Would you accept, respect or admire someone who intentionally stayed at a lower paying job because it had lower stress and regular hours?
Discuss your willingness to support a spouse’s career ambition that would include irregular hours, on call hours, extensive travel or
holiday and night time hours during the different parts of your life, over the years.
Are you willing to support your partner’s career that produces energy draining stress that carries over to your personal lives?
Are you a member of work related groups or trade associations?
Are you interested in joining them in the future?
Are they important to your job or career development?
Are you willing to make the personal and financial sacrifices to be involved in them?
A leadership role in a trade association can be like a second career.
Are you willing to make the sacrifices of being a spouse who “should” support their partners work related time away from home?
Would you move to another city for your mate’s job promotion?
What would it take for you to move to another city?
Would you be willing to live with someone who had life threatening or dangerous work?
CHAPTER 7
MONEY AND FINANCIAL ISSUES
Money is one of the taboo discussion topics in polite society. Parents hide information from children to protect them, and friends avoid discussing personal information to avoid embarrassment and jealousy. All of this secrecy makes it very difficult to compare viable options when few people share how their choices are working for them. Society's message has been that more money is better. It certainly helps in lifestyle, but the breakups and divorces of the rich and famous to show that it has little benefit for day to day relationships.
Your family and personal history have a profound affect on your feelings about your financial safety net. The fear of impending financial doom haunts many people, regardless of their financial status. Some people have a difficult time spending money on "unnecessary" items until they have what they view as a sufficient financial cushion. Others spend money freely, without worry or concern.
Discuss what steps you are taking for your financial future. You and your partner’s level of income, feelings about your income and spending patterns deeply affect many other attitudes about your life. Discuss how some of the following feelings are affected by your family income, how it is spent and who can spend it without question:
trust - Do you trust your partner to make financial and purchasing decisions that are consistent with your mutual goals? Any $$$ limits?
security - How much needs to be laid away and how much risk can you tolerate?
status - keeping up or getting ahead of the Jones'
esteem - When have you finally "made it"?
nurturance - Are gifts enough? Can you be bought with things?
Is it really love without gifts?
generosity - Do you find more happiness in getting or giving
independence - What are the emotional costs and rewards of financial dependence and independence?
Which financial decisions can be made independently?
control - Which financial issues are team decisions and who takes responsibility for the paperwork and checkbook balancing?
cheap - When is someone being "cheap" and how does it make you feel?
standards - What are your minimum acceptable standards of lifestyle?
Are you entitled or deserving of certain things?
How do you rate your knowledge and habits in effective money management and financial planning?
What is your ability and willingness to manage household finances and administration; including insurance selection and claims filing, investments, checking account balancing?
“I find it difficult or nearly impossible to get around to handling financial matters or thinking about them as long as _______________.
Do you need to be “in the mood” to tackle the bills, file the insurance papers or do the research to make financial decisions?
Do you want to have control over family finances?
How do you have your financial paperwork organized?
Who paid the bills and filled out the insurance forms in your last relationships and in your parent's home? Did you prefer it that way?
Were money and income secret issues in your parents family?
What kind of information do you think should or can be shared with: (privacy issues)
young children, teenage children, your parents, in-laws or close friends?
On what things or services do you most easily spend your money?
Do you find it easier or more difficult to spend money on your family than yourself?
What is your feeling about debt?
What things will you go into debt for? I.E. vacations, gifts, medical care, car, TV, clothing?
How aware are you of the interest rates on your credit cards and the total dollars you payout in interest charges each year?
Is there a certain amount of money you need to have in the bank and investments to feel secure?
Some people, regardless of how much money they earn, carry very little or no cash in their wallets, while others like to have a "wad" of bills. How much cash do you like to carry? How many credit cards do you carry?
Why do you carry what you do?
For what things are you comparison shopper vs an impulse buyer?
How many quotes and referrals do you get before hiring someone or making a major purchase?
When do you spend extra for convenience; such as parking, prepackaged food, laundry, takeout food, car wash, laundry wash and fold?
What are your spending priorities?
It's easy for me to spend money on_________
I find it difficult to buy_____________
It would annoy me to see my mate spending money on ____________
Does it upset or bother you when your mate buys something you feel is foolish or a waste?
Do you think there should be a certain amount of money each family member should be able to spend on personal pleasures each month, without having to justify it?
How do you determine how much money each partner can spend without question by the other?
Is the amount proportional to each persons monetary contribution or some other type of contribution?
Do you have an overall philosophy about money which would affect our budget planning process, as a couple?
Is there a maximum amount that you would spend on any one type of item and that your mate "shouldn't" spend?
Give some examples.
Would you hide money from your mate to buy something your mate would disapprove of?
Have you hidden a sales receipt so your partner wouldn't see the price?
What do you think about buying life and disability insurance you should own?
How much is enough for you and your famioy?
What would be your thoughts if your mate wanted to give or lend $100 to help a relative or friend you disliked or you felt unworthy?
What are your limits?
When do you save for something vs. borrow?
Some people have no problem shifting into "better" stores and restaurants as their income increases.
How do you see your shopping and eating out choices changing as your income increases?
Do you measure the need, price and value of everything you buy?
What are your feelings about pooling money versus having separate and together bank accounts?
Are all assets you bring into a relationship available for common needs and wants?
Are the assets you bring into the relationship available for your partner to spend without your permission?
What do you think of prenuptial agreements?
How willing are you to risk all of your assets, go into debt or borrow money from family to start or maintain a business of your own?
How willing are you to risk all of your assets, go into debt or borrow money from family to support your spouse's dream of starting a business? How much?
When in the development of your relationship do you tell your mate how much money you earn and share your full economic status and obligations?
What other money related issues do you feel strongly about?
Chapter 8
View On Politics & Economics Interest in the area of politics and economics typically is shown in your optimistic or pessimistic outlook about the future, and the amount of time you spend by reading newspapers and watching public affairs programs on TV.
Compatibility is affected by political and economic views when you don't agree with or respect your partner’s views and how they prioritize their time and energy in pursuing their political or social causes.
Do you give money or volunteer time to political candidates or political action groups; who, when, how much, and why?
Do you believe that individuals have the power and responsibility to change the political processes or do you feel powerless and a victim of a political system beyond your comprehension?
Where on the political spectrum are "your kind of people?
Where on the political spectrum is your extended family?
How do you interact with people with very different views? Argue, challenge? Calmly discuss?
Do you look for similarities of opinions?
On what issues are you willing to compromise?
Do you watch public affairs programs on TV? Which ones?
How much time will you spend watching them?
Do you enjoy listening to talk radio?
Do you refuse to listen to certain radio talk show hosts?
How do you educate yourself about what is going on in the world?
How much do you know and care about what is going on in the world?
Do you enjoy discussing politics and current events?
Are their certain kinds of people you prefer or refuse to discuss current events with?
Can you discuss politics without becoming upset or making others feel they are wrong for their opinions?
Do you understand American political processes and personalities?
Do you know or care who your city, state and federal officials are?
Do you know how government works at different levels?
Any experiences?
Chapter 9
Religion And Theology Subtle differences in religious thought and practice can cause unforeseen difficulties. Most differences arise when children come into the picture.
Personal Beliefs
Do you know the core beliefs and issues that make your religion different from others?
Do you know what the belief and style differences are between groups within your religion and denomination?
Do you feel or think your religion is superior to any others?
Do you believe there is a single theological truth about the universe and one correct or optimum way to live and believe within that truth?
Why do you consider yourself whatever religion you call yourself?
Did you make an informed comparison of religions and denominations before deciding on your religious identity?
How much control do you have over your actions; free will?
If you believe in an all knowing God, can you make a free will motion with your arm that God did not know you were going to do and permitted you to do?
Are any of your behaviors or thoughts caused by divine or other non human intelligence and powers, such as saints, devil, relatives in heaven, angels, spirits, ghosts, aliens, astrological influences, etc.?
If you believe in the existence of any of the above beings, do you also believe they have a free will or independent thinking? Are they under the direct control of a master plan?
Do you believe other people when they claim mental or physical changes due to any of the above “beings”?
PRAYER
What if the prayer of others for you conflicts with your prayers for yourself, which both conflict with Gods multi-trillion year old master plan for you?
Is God influenced by the number of people praying or more persuaded to act on prayers or change his master plan based on group praying?
Why have group prayer if one person’s prayer is enough?
Do you believe there is a relationship between the supernatural world and the weather?
What would need to be true about the laws of physics for there to be a cause and effect relationship?
Do you believe God allows tornadoes to hit your house and not your neighbor’s house? (micro-manages)
Do you believe God’s plan and influence affect the weather, avalanches, the direction of fire and other "natural disasters?
If you believe God doesn't allow or control “natural” disasters on a second by second basis, would you thank God for saving your property from such a disaster?
In what way do you think prayer effects “natural” disasters?
Life After Death
Do you believe life after death exists in a way that each person will meet and know their loved ones as they knew them "on earth"? A traditional western-Christian view of heaven.
Do you believe that in afterlife you will be able to literally look at what is happening to your living friends and relatives as angels, spirits and ghosts? All over the world, people pay medians to communicate with “dead” relatives.
Do you live your life and treat others in a particular way because of these beliefs?
Theology In The Cosmos
If you believe there probably is other intelligent life among the trillions of solar systems and these cultures could well be millions of years older then ours, how do you imagine these beings would view your opinions on salvation, heaven and your faith in your religious interpretation on the origins and history of the universe?
If you believe there is one universal heaven for one universal God, will we discover if there are "good" aliens in the afterlife?
Do you try to understand or include in your beliefs the many theological issues that the enormous size and complexity of the universe causes?
LUCK AND SUPERSTITIONS
Do you believe their is a thing called luck that you can get or lose?
If you think someone is lucky, where do you think it comes from?
Do you think God or other supernatural forces bring or take away luck?
People who play sports, gamble or are performers often have superstitions to create or maintain good performance.
Do you do, or not do, certain things to increase the chance for good performance?
Do supernatural forces control the results of superstitious actions?
Do you believe that the supernatural forces of your religion are the same ones that involve superstitions?
Astrology is taken very seriously by millions of people. Many take specific actions based on their readings.
What are your feelings about the subject?
Do you read your horoscope? Do you believe or trust it? Do you change your behavior because of it?
Have you had a reading done?
Have you taken specific action because of a reading?
If you take astrology seriously, how do you blend it’s theological implications with any main stream theology you may also profess?
CONGREGATIONAL INVOLVEMENT
Involvement in a religious institution, or other group can be all consuming and be the focus of your family's social life.
Do you hope or expect your partner would be active with you in your congregation and religious life?
Would it bother you to attend different congregations or have your partner refuse to attend any religious services?
Are you tolerant of different religious beliefs of others in your religious community?
A substantial financial commitment is often expected when you belong to a congregation.
Most congregations ask for 2% to 10% of your gross income for dues and building funds. Additional money is needed to participate in congregational activities.
What is your willingness to financially support a religious group that you are involved with?
Some people send additional money to religious and missionary groups that do work in other countries. Do you support religion based groups in other countries? How much do you give? How much money would your partner need to give before it would bother you or before you would protest or object?
RELIGION IN YOUR FAMILY
Discuss your expectations of your partner’s role in your families religious life.
What will you tell your children about God, spirituality, the mysteries of life and the great questions that theology poses and proposes to answer?
Do you want to have religious symbols or artwork in your home?
RELIGIOUS INTER-MARRIAGE
If your partner had a different religion, would it bother you or your family to have their religious items in your home?
Would you consider changing your religious identity to find a religious group that you and your partner could compromise on?
Participating in religious practices with your extended family can be rewarding, nostalgic and expected.
How would your family feel and react if your partner had a different religious identity or did not want to share in their religious or church life?
How important is it to you for your partner to be similar to you in religious thought, practice and faith?
How do differences in this area impact your relationships?
Do a majority of your friends call themselves the same religion as you?
How important is it to you that your children have a strong religious identity?
How important is it to you that they also develop your religious practice, faith and traditions?
How much do you care if your future grandchildren share your religious identity and level of religious participation?
INTER-FAITH RELATIONSHIPS AND A STRONG JEWISH IDENTITY BY ONE PARTNER
Would you be willing to have your child baptized because of your spouse’s family tradition and need to believe that they won’t go to heaven unless this happens?
At a memorial service or funeral, would you be willing to have a minister wishing that your loved one be with Jesus forever? Would this cause additional tension for your extended family?
How would you handle your in-laws pressure on the kids to “accept Christ”?
Are you willing to have a Christmas tree in your home and sing Christian holiday songs with your family?
Are you willing to have a partner who may not identify with, enjoy or understand the traditions, humor, foods etc. that
go with your religious or cultural traditions?
Chapter 10
MORALS AND MANNERSJails are filled with people who consider themselves to be very moral people. Few people consider themselves immoral or without manners. The key to discovering someone’s moral standards is to encourage him/her to be specific when discussing situations that require ethical judgment. Many times, discovering someone’s overall philosophy about an issue will help you predict specific behavior. Manners are usually learned as children and rarely are changed as adults. In addition, people like to be around people who are like themselves. For an inside peek at someone’s future manners, notice the manners of their friends.
How much of a role model do you think you are to others, regarding “proper” morals, ethics and manners?
MORALS
What kind of obligation do you feel to help deserving people who would benefit from your time, talents or money?
How, when and why do you give to friends or strangers? How much is enough?
How bad or repeated does a “criminal” offense need to be before you would turn in a "friend" or family member?
When would you not turn someone in or supply evidence about criminal activity by people you know?
Are your feelings different for strangers?
Do you use the terms "snitch" or "tattle tale"? Why?
When is it your moral responsibility to tell or warn others about unethical behavior that affects them?
How strong do you feel your relationships need to be before you supply information about "unethical" activities that don't involve you?
What are your feelings about how bad an offense needs to be before you should or must tell the involved parties about it?
When do you expect to be warned or told if someone has or is going to take advantage of you?
Would you hold it against someone who knew you were getting cheated, but felt they should not tell you because it was “none of their business”?
What part does loyalty and trust play in your answers?
Are there acceptable reasons for your partner to share personal information about you with their friends or family?
What kind of information is "too personal" for your partner to share with anyone?
Do you ask or expect your partner to keep secrets?
Divorces and abandonment occur on a regular basis over the stresses of having a child or parent with severe physical or mental problems. Although it is difficult to predict a persons response to such tragedies, many people rise to the occasion. Few people ever talk about these issues before marriage, assuming their partner will stick with them through thick and thin. There are no guarantees of your partner’s behavior, but you can look for a history of adaptability and a willingness to go through difficulties with a positive attitude.
Are you required to deal with the responsibilities that come with the tragedies of life?
Is avoiding responsibilities by leaving your family, with these kind of problems, ever acceptable?
Hospitals are filled with people who are physically and emotionally neglected by their family, who may live just a few miles away.
Under what situations would you put your aging parent or disabled child in an institution?
MANNERS
When a couple consider themselves equal in capability, what role can or "should" the rules of chivalry and
"society manners" play?
Do you expect courting manners to end?
Do you expect or want doors to be opened, chairs to be pulled out or other kinds of sexual deference.
What kinds of manners or lack of them are not acceptable to you or your peer group?
(clipping finger nails in front of others, slurping your soup, holding eating utensils incorrectly,...)
Are there “bad” manners that are acceptable to you: such as cussing or spitting in public?
Beth was at David’s home for Hanukkah and was “horrified” by the way David’s 7 year old son ripped through his gifts without any thank you or regard for the gift exchange process. David said, “boys will be boys” Beth told her son that there were 4 parts to a gift: the thoughtfulness, the card, the wrapping and the gift itself; each deserving recognition.
Beth would rehearse the process with her son a few hours before the gift exchange. Beth felt good manners were very important, even for young children who didn’t always understand or appreciate them.
Beth put her kid’s gifts away, the day after the special day, until thank you notes were written.
What are your thoughts on the giving and receiving of gifts by and to children?
How should children be expected to receive and open gifts from family or other kids?
At what age should kids be expected to write thank you notes?
What are the consequences of not getting around to writing thank you notes?
If you have given a verbal thank you, is it important to also write a thank you note?
What kinds of gifts don't require a written thank you?
What kinds of relationships don't require thank you notes?
Would you tell a stranger that her slip was showing or he had food on his face?
Would it make a difference if it were a friend or co-worker?
What kind of conversational topics are offensive or not acceptable to you in adult company?
Are you easily upset or grossed out by certain conversation while you eat?
What are improper dinner table topics?
At what age should children be allowed to join in adult conversation?
How willing are you to use, encourage or tolerate an ethnic or racial joke or cutting comment among family? ...friends? ...strangers? ...co-workers?
PRIVATE PLACES AND PRIVACY ISSUES
The privacy of wallet and purse are often maintained in committed and married couples.
Is your wallet or purse a private place, requiring permission for entry?
Are there any other private places for you?
In what kinds of situations would you accept or encourage the idea of having an abortion?
How many and what difficulty of problems are you willing to endure to avoid an abortion?
What is your general attitude about guns; for you and for society in general?
What is your experience with firearms?
BORROWING & LENDING
Borrowing and lending of things or money can go smoothly or end long standing relationships.
What are your experiences with lending to family or friends?
What are your rules and limits about lending things or money?
Will you remind them to return something they have borrowed from you?
Will you ask to borrow things or money from family or friends?
BRAGGING, BOASTING, & SHARING GOOD NEWS
Your grandmother is showing her friends a copy of the article about you in the local newspaper.
Your wife announces your job promotion at her work, at church, or to the garden club.
Bill felt it wasn’t OK to share that it was his birthday at church, either at sharing time or at social hour after services.
Parents and grandparents often tell about their kids to those who ask and those who don’t.
Do you share good or prideful news; if so to whom?
Would your be embarrassed, annoyed or angry if others shared information about you?
Chapter 11FriendsPositive relationships help give meaning and purpose to our lives. They happen mostly to people who think they deserve nothing less and do not accept negativity or anger as "normal" behavior.
People usually have friends like themselves.
What kind of friends do you have or look for?
What does someone say or do that identifies them as a potential friend for you?
Do you attract people who are bad for you or who create negativity in your life?
If you were invited to a party that had the most interesting collection of people possible for you, who would be there or what kinds of personalities and professions would be represented?
What do you do to maintain your friendships?
Do you remain friends and continue contact with former lovers?
Do you have any childhood friends you keep in contact with or would like to see again?
How many "best" friends have you had in your life?
What made them special to you?
Are you a "party animal"?
Do you ever "let your hair down"?
Do you hug or kiss your close friends; if not, why not?
How often and under what situations is hugging comfortable for you?
If you have a dinner invitation at a friends home at 8pm, you consider yourself on time if you arrive by what time?
If a friend’s party invitation says 8pm, you try to arrive between_____ & _______.
Chapter 12.
FEELINGS AND EXPRESSION OF UPSETS, HOSTILITY AND ANGERIs the handwriting on the wall?
Unhappy people create unhappy relationships.
Negative feelings and frustration are energy draining and contribute to illness. Long term upsets and anger are often a sigh of someone who is unwilling to do what it takes to compromise or adjust.
People who are unwilling or unable to negotiate differences usually resort to anger to express their feelings. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal in words, tone and action are predictors of relationship failure when they dominate the relationship.
What is your reaction to people who frequently express anger, resentment and bitterness towards family members?
What do you do to yourself that frustrates you most? I.E. misplacing items, staying disorganized, food or chemical abuse?
How often are you angry or upset with strangers and relationships in your life?
How often do your differences with a mate or family member escalate to yelling or tears?
Would your family or past partners agree with your answer?
Do you expect your partner to be sympathetic or understanding when you are angry, upset or depressed; in what ways?
Are you willing to live with someone who has a history of being angry or depressed?
Do you believe that you can make or cause someone to substantially change their attitude or behavior?
Do you believe you are the cause or significant reason for your prior partner’s anger or depression.
How much do you argue and raise your voice in a heated disagreement; with co-workers, family, friends, partners, children, parents?
How much are you in control of the way you express your anger?
Do you think people in healthy relationships yell at each other or call each other "destructive" names?
What are your acceptable limits?
Have you changed your opinion or behavior over time? In what ways?
Are there any situations that would or have caused you to hit, slap, punch, grab, squeeze, push, or in any way handle or threaten a family member in anger?
What should be the consequences for anyone who does this to you?
When do you stay or leave a person who does this?
Did your parents ever hit each other or express other physical abuse?
What impact did it have on you?
When was the last time you hit anyone or verbally attacked someone?
Is it ever acceptable?
Do you ever throw or break things in anger?
Do you slam doors in anger?
Is the silent treatment an effective or beneficial way to show anger and be confrontive for you?
Has the silent treatment been an effective method for you to deal with your former partner’s anger?
Is it acceptable, in any situation, to hang up the phone or leave the room in the middle of a "discussion"?
In group situations, some people express their contempt or upsets with their partner through" teasing" and subtle, snide and cutting comments. Some couples seem to enjoy exchanging ever sharper barbs.
How do you view this behavior?
How do you "punish" or straighten out your partner when they do this to you in public or private?
What kinds of angry thoughts, frustrations or upsets would you not share, even with close friends or your partner?
Would you be willing to get help, to learn new communication skills?
Choosing the right time and place to bring up confrontational issues is a skill many people lack or don't care to develop, preferring to "get it off their chest" when the issue comes up.
What are your feelings about when is the best time, place and way to pick a fight or remind your partner of bothersome behavior and issues?
Do know anyone who dislikes you or has unresolved anger about your behavior? Who? Why?
When you're angry and upset, do you generally look for the support of others or do want to be left alone?
How bad do have to feel before you would consider counseling or group therapy?
Do you laugh at others when they do something embarrassing or make a dumb mistake?
What do you think when you see children laughing or snickering at other kids to demean, humiliate or embarrass them?
Did you do this as a child?
Is it acceptable to correct, make negative comments to or correct your loved ones in public or in front of family?
What kind of apologies are enough to make up for anger outbursts?
When do apologies stop being enough for you for the same offense?
How do you feel and deal with profanity and yelling when family, "friends" or strangers direct it at you or each other?
When do you lose control?
What is your willingness or tendency to let problems or upsets diminish or “ruin” an otherwise good day?
When your plans are upset is your reaction different if the problems were avoidable, unavoidable or a surprise?
Do you have a tough time expressing feelings like sadness, frustration, and grief?
Do you have a resistance to giving up privileges, control or power to a partner?
Do you find it difficult to admit mistakes or errors in judgment to yourself, spouse, kids and co-workers?
How do you handle these relationship confessions differently?
How much of the time do you command your wants, rather than ask and negotiate your requests?
THE “RIGHT” TO RESTRICT - “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.”
Bill cancels Ann’s subscription to Ms. magazine without her knowledge.
Steve is angry that Sue is reading romance novels.
Ann is hurt by Bill’s continued subscription to Playboy magazine, and asks him to cancel it, and throws away his X-rated videos.
Amy only wants to watch Christian TV for her news and information about the world.
Alice tells Dave not to visit Jim anymore because Jim is GAY and hangs around with the “wrong people”.
Do you believe you have the right to insist that your partner change what they read, who they listen to or see because it might be a “bad or wrong influence” & give the wrong ideas?
Do you want a partner who would permit you to “dominate” or “protect” them in this or any other way?
What would be your reaction if your partner attempted to “control” your relationships with others?
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ANGER
Phrasing your hostile comments, and timing your action or inaction in a way that enables you to deny your anger and blame others for over reaction to what you have done or not done. Examples of passive aggressive behavior are “the silent treatment”, withholding affection and “forgetting” your promises.
Has this behavior been an “issue” in your life?
In what ways do you use it?
How do you use or react to silence, as a weapon or to avoid conflict and discussion?
Do you withhold affection or sex to punish your partner?
How often do you hold a grudge or try to get even with your partner?
Do you point out others faults to your partner as an indirect criticism of your partner’s “problem”?
Do you tell others that nothing is bothering you, when something is bothering you?
Would you say this to your mate, especially when it involves them?
Chapter 13
HANDLING STRESS AND DIFFICULT SITUATIONSYour understanding, patience and tolerance of the way your mate behaves under stress is crucial to your long term happiness with them. If you think they act "inappropriately" or if they are more disabled by stress than you think it should, it will be a challenge for you to accept their behavior and attitude.
Be observant of the hidden or significant anniversaries in your life, when you are experiencing unexpected stress and high emotions. The significance of these events, whether they are from your life or others can be lightening rods of tension and anxiety. I.E. Mary’s mother was diagnosed with cancer at age 38. Now, as she approaches that age, Mary is feeling worried about her own health. Going alone to a relatives 50th wedding anniversary party or having your partner struggling in a career when your cousin gets another promotion can trigger unexpected emotions and bring up unresolved and uncommunicated issues.
Are there situations during which you have anxiety or panic attacks?
What "can't" you do or how do you limit yourself, solely because of emotional fears or beliefs?
Do you have any phobias?
Do you act differently in front of others than by yourself when you are in confrontation with your fear?
How do your fears impact your relationships and life in general?
How often do you suffer from each of these conditions when you are under stress: become energy drained, get severe headaches, get ulcers or upset stomach, become short tempered.
How are your relationships affected when your partner handles or avoids stress differently than you?
Are you satisfied with the ways you react to and deal with your stress?
If you don’t like the way you deal with stress or what you view as stressful, are you interested enough to start learning about and practicing new ways of behavior?
Would you like a loved one to assist you toward your goal?
How does assistance look to you and what kinds of “help” are not helpful or wanted?
How has stress been an issue in your past relationships?
What has changed for you so that your next relationship won’t be similarly effected?
What are the different activities you use to recover from your daily stress?
(exercising, cleaning, reading, watching TV, sleeping, eating, shopping, hobbies...?)
What shouldn’t your spouse ask you to do when you are under stress?
How well do you handle the stress of travel?
Do you need to rest or decompress from your vacations?
How do you rank your driving and navigating skills?
How do you react when drivers do dumb or uncaring things that involve you?
How do you react when you are riding in a car driven by a "dare devil", oblivious or "overly" cautious friend, family member or partner?
How do you react when driving in bad weather or dangerous situations?
What social situations make you so uncomfortable or embarrassed that you'll leave the room?
Some people feel uncomfortable or avoid being in groups or crowds of particular sizes.
Do you avoid certain types of social or public events because of the number of people who will be there?
What are your preferences and what do you avoid?
How do you accept or deal with "unproductive or self-destructive" behavior in the ones you love?
How do you or can you change your attitude when others "can't" or "won't" change?
When personal problems or traumatic experiences happen, do you worry first and discuss it with several people before working it out?
How quickly do you get through the upset and start making decisions and working on solutions?
Do you see any humor while in the middle of your stressful situations?
To get started solving or improving your most pressing problems, which of the obstacles below do you feel is stopping you at this point.
- Lack of knowledge or skills
- Lack of motivation and habits
- Fear of change and fear of failure
- Poor priorities
How? Why?
When does seeing blood and bodily fluids upset or repulse you?
How well do you deal with dressing wounds or messy illness?
Could your partner expect you to keep a cool head and not get hysterical if we were involved in a terrible accident or encountered one?
How long does it take you to transition from an upsetting conversation or experience to a happy one?
How long do you take to recover from the stress of work each day?
Do you use stress as an excuse for inappropriately directed anger?
How concerned are you about your personal security at home, in the car and in public?
What precautions do you take?
Have you or close friends had any security/danger experiences that have affected your feelings and behavior?
How do you feel and act around disabled, disfigured or retarded people?
What do you or would you tell your children about meeting or being with someone who is very different?
Bugs; many people have difficulty seeing or being near them. Some people have panic attacks or go into hysterics if an insect gets on their clothes.
How do you react to and deal with various kinds of and insects in your home and outside?
Does a fear of insects limit any of your activities, like hiking or laying in the grass?
BEING IN A HOLE YOU HELPED TO DIG
“I know I wanted the dog and I know I said I would take care of it. But it’s raining outside and I’m so tired. Foo Foo has to go to the bathroom, wouldn’t you take him out again. Pleeeeze! Honeeey.
“I know you loaned me the money to buy this car, against your better judgment and I know I said I would take complete responsibility for it, but it’s 2am and I’m broken down on the highway. Come and get me, Pleeeze!”
When bad things happen after you gave warnings, do you say “I told you so”?
Do you want the person to acknowledge their mistake or inability to perform the task?
Do you “allow” your family members to make “foolish choices” and then become upset at yourself when you are asked to rescue or take care of a problem that could have been prevented?
When do you not rescue a loved one from situations caused by foolish mistakes?
Chapter 14
SMALL PREFERENCES
Typically, none of these items will make or break a relationship. Incompatibility arises when many differences are combined. "Charming" differences can become a persistent thorn in a relationship.
T.V.
What kind of T.V. programs do you try to watch and avoid?
How much time do you spend watching television?
MUSIC
Which stations are set on your car radio?
How loud do you like to play your favorite music on the car radio and your home stereo?
How important is a "quality" sound system to you?
What kinds of music do you avoid?
What kinds of music do you enjoy?
How often do you attend music concerts?
FOODS
Which foods are nostalgic for you? What food habits do you have that others consider to be strange?
How flexible are you in the preparation of foods?
Do you refuse to eat foods or complain if they are not made or served in a particular way?
Which foods do you refuse to eat?
What are your feelings about "leftovers"?
Do you let your leftovers "age" in the refrigerator until they are dead?
BBQ is serious business to some folks. Pork or beef, tomato based or vinegar sauce, basted or dry cooked, chopped, shredded or sliced, these are just some of the many important BBQ issues. Once you have a preference, nothing else will due.
What and where is “real” BBQ for you?
How “should” the following foods be made and served to delight you ?
- chili
- spaghetti sauce
- cole slaw
- salad
- ? (other foods you have strong opinions about their correct preparation and presentation)
READING
What, where, why and how much do you read now; how much do you spend on books?
What would you read if you had the time?
Which 6 magazine subscriptions would you like to be given?
HOLIDAYS
What do you usually do for holiday time?
What do you avoid doing on vacations?
What are you planning or looking forward to doing on vacation in the near future?
TEMPERATURE AND WEATHER
What are your comfortable and tolerable temperature and humidity ranges:
in your home?
for sleeping?
outdoors?
How "bad" does the weather need to be before you stop doing your normal activities?
How do you feel about opening the windows in the summer, rather than turning on the a/c, at home and in the car?
In what other ways do you adapt yourself or modify your behavior due to the weather?
Some people are hampered by the reduced sunlight of winter while others seem to thrive in fall’s cool briskness.
Do you function differently with the seasons?
IN THE BATHROOM
Do you care if the toilet paper rolls from the front or from the back?
Do you care how the toothpaste tube is squeezed and rolled?
What bathroom habits of other people bother you?
IN THE KITCHEN
Is it important to you to clean the lid before opening a can?
People have very different opinions about when food has spoiled and needs to be thrown away. For some, a speck of mold on one slice of bread means that you throw out the entire loaf. For some people, if half of a piece of fruit or vegetable has gone bad, they just cut it off. Many people have a mental timer that tells them when something has been in the refrigerator or freezer too long. They won’t eat something that has been around “too long”, regardless of how it looks, smells and tastes.
What are your rules about food storage and spoilage?
Chapter 15
EXPECTATIONS ABOUT YOUR MATE
Beth liked Ralph’s caring, passive and sensitive manner, especially after having partners who were hard headed and opinionated. She found herself upset though when he didn’t assert himself while negotiating with salespeople, service technicians, insurance claims adjusters, or anyone else.
After being with a couch and bed potato for 2 years, Sarah decided she wanted a more athletic partner. She joined an athletic club to find a partner; where she met Barbara. Barbara was “always” moving, especially in the mornings, which she felt was the best time to go running with friends. Sarah couldn’t convince Barbara that cuddling late into the weekends was preferable, and began to resent Barbara’s focus on exercise and “health” foods.
Shawna had dreamed about finding a professional black man who would move her into the upper middle class. What she didn’t expect was the resentfulness of her friends for trying to be “better” than them and for their negative comments about Ben’s preferences and mannerisms, which they viewed as being not “black” enough. To them, Ben was being disloyal and disrespectful to their group identity.
Do you believe there is a perfect mate for you?
Do you believe God has chosen a mate for you?
Have you postponed commitment in the past because “someone better or your “The One” might still be out there?
If there was a "perfect", too good to be true, mate for you, describe in detail their traits, personality, skills, knowledge, lifestyle and environment.
How has this list changed for you over time?
Do you expect your partner to give up their desire for the things or characteristics that you lack?
Are there any ways that are acceptable to you, that they could supplement these desires with others?
Could they go dancing with a friend?
Are there chores or responsibilities that you hope or expect your new partner will be skilled at and are willing to take over from you?
Do your family and friends have different expectations and hopes about your mate than you?
What traits in your partner, that you find acceptable, would disappoint your family?
What kind of behaviors are unacceptable to you and your family?
Would they say something, suffer in silence or make the best of it?
Are there any jobs or professions that a person would have, or aspire to, that would cause you to think of the person as unsuitable for you or not marriage material for you?
Are your feelings strictly economic?
What do you think your partner’s job or career says, about your partner and you?
How do differences in education, intelligence or talent affect your relationships with a partner and their desirability?
What social skills, knowledge, capabilities and experiences do you assume and expect your partner to have?
Are there things you expect your partner to know or figure out intuitively? For example,
- what you want for a gift?
- how to find you in the mall?
- which restaurant you should go to?
- how to give you an orgasm?
Have you ever said to a mate "If you really loved me, you'd know what I want"; or some variation of this?
Does it reduce or eliminate your pleasure of receiving gifts or acts of thoughtfulness if you tell your partner what you specifically want or prefer?
As a man, do you often think women & past mates have often made irrational or unreasonable requests or demands of you?
Do you have strong and specific views on the different rights, privileges and responsibilities of men and women in a relationship?
What is the difference between wanting and needing someone?
Do you want your mate to "need" you?
Do you want your partner to tell you or others that they need you?
What kinds of behavior would a “real” man or woman not accept - even from you?
What kind of constructive reaction do you hope your partner would have if you started being emotionally reactive and behaving in an “abusive” manner?
Do you expect your mate to think that you are the only sexually desirable person to them?
Is it acceptable to notice, look at or point out attractive people when you are with your mate?
When isn't it OK with you?
Would you go or want or expect your partner to go alone or with others to a planned fun activity, if the you "couldn't" attend?
Would you be offended if your partner didn’t volunteer to stay with you or volunteer to not go to a planned activity for a variety of “loving” reasons?
Do you think men and women have different expectations about what kind of behavior represents appropriate support, nurturing and understanding?
What kind of behavior and attitude represents support and nurturing to you?
When do you begin to feel neglected, avoided or abandoned?
Many women say they would prefer a man who is tender, thoughtful, nurturing, virile, protective, manly and a hunk.
How do you think these characteristics can be blended to your satisfaction?
As a man, how can these “soft” and “strong” traits be combined?
What does each of them mean to you in terms of behavior?
When do you expect your partner to do exactly what you've asked; without question or second-guessing?
When is it OK to say no?
How do you want your partner to disagree with your opinion?
What do you say when you think your partners insistent request is really a bad idea for you, them or your kids?
Asking or expecting that your partner keep in touch by phone can be thought of as a matter of common courtesy and caring or manipulative control that shows distrust.
What are your feelings about "keeping in touch", "checking in" and other phone matters and manners?
When do you “expect” a call?
There are rules of behavior, traditions, family loyalty, responsibility to elders, family gatherings and many other issues and obligations that go with a partner with a strong family and ethnic identity. In strong ethnic family, a marriage does not launch the family member into a separate life, but rather brings another person into the nuclear and extended family. The boundaries of separateness and ties are very important to discuss, understand and accept. Hundreds of fights and crises can be avoided if you know and agree about the rules and responsibilities that go with each extended family.
What behavior and attitudes do you expect and assume your partner to accept and understand because of your ethnic or national identity?
Do you expect your partner to catch and dispose of household insects?
How knowledgeable or intuitive is your partner in practical living, and in what ways will it impact your life?
Wanting a partner who is smart is almost universal. We get a sense of this by seeing how well & how fast complex concepts are understood and used. The issues of knowledge and intuition are different than intelligence and are largely affected by the kind of questions your partner asks.
How willing are you to accept the knowledge, experience and intuition of your partner when it conflicts or is very different than your own?
THE PIE OF KNOWLEDGE
Most single people say they want an intelligent partner. Intelligence is different than accumulated knowledge. Very intelligent people often are impatient with partners who learn more slowly or differently than them.
There are many levels and variations of knowing and ignorance. Respecting and accepting what your spouse knows and how they use what they know is important. The pie of knowledge bellow may give you a new way to look at the kinds of knowledge your partner has and in what ratio.
There are things you know that you know; and they are correct.
There are things you have forgotten that you know.
“It all came back to me, like I did this in a former life”.
There are things you are sure about; and they are wrong in some way.
“I am sure that we turn left at this stop sign.”
There are the things you know that you don't know.
“I know that I need help with this problem.”
There are the things you have never thought about and don’t know enough about to even think of a question or consider it as possible.
“I never considered or thought that anything like this could happen to me.”
There are the things you know that you’re not sure about it,
“Something in the back of my mind said there was more to this than what I saw.”
There are the things you feel or sense that contradict with what you see and hear, or have experienced in the past.
“We shouldn’t do this now; it just doesn’t feel right.”
Do you respect the kinds of knowledge and intuition your partner has and in what ways will it enhance or hinder your relationship and family?
Chapter 16
ACCOMPLISHED PARTNERSMany people internally fight between the rational and emotional messages about the kind of person they should have as a partner. Fantasy and reality often don't go together. The characteristics that excite us are not always those that work well for us.
What are the personality characteristics of someone who is "marriage material" for you?
Are they different from the person you find attractive or desirable? In what ways?
What are the characteristics of a person who desires a self-confident, self-reliant & accomplished partner?
What do you think are the characteristics of someone who prefers a timid, naive or dependent partner?
Is it important to you for your mate to be ambitious?
What kinds of lifestyle sacrifices are you willing to make to have and encourage an ambitious partner?
Do you want or need your mate to be more...have more... do more... than you as a form of economic, social or physical protection?
Does the assertiveness you express in your job carry over into the way you relate with your mate?
Would you be willing to have a relationship with someone who would be "threatened" or uncomfortable by your assertiveness?
Why do men do the majority of driving when a couple is together?
What do you think when you see the woman driving?
Does a male need to support a high-powered female partner differently than the traditional supportive wife?
What do you think of househusbands?
How is your partner viewed in the work force and in the community?
Are they very different with you?
Does it bother you if these perceived personalities are very different?
Can a partner be too nice, easy going and passive to suit you?
Chapter 17.
COMMUNICATIONS STYLEYour communication style is usually ingrained and difficult to change. It is partly perpetuated by your self- description. The person who says “I’m a good old country boy” or “ Jewish princes” has bought into a stereotype of themselves that dictates a personality, voice pattern and communications style.
When your partner has an unexpected reaction to something you have said, first confirm what messages they heard, before confronting the “appropriateness” of their reaction. A person’s “hot buttons” are often automatically connected to reactions they received from parents and teachers, regardless of how much time has gone by or how many other kinds of experiences they have had.
What you say is often not what people hear or understand. Just look at the world of politics. Someone makes an entire speech on a subject and a panel of commentators each say something different about what they think the speaker said and meant. The same differences of opinion occur when people look at something that happens right in front of them. Let there be an car accident, at an intersection and we’re always amazed at how many different stories the bystanders have.
Tone and intensity of speech have so much to do with adding to or changing the meaning of words. Couples and their families who have different speech patterns often misunderstand each other and may find the differences in energy level of speech patterns to be abrasive or a sign of slowness or arrogance. Speech accents can be a reminder of regional, ethnic or socio-economic differences. Some voices just seem to grate on us.
Can you imagine your children learning how to speak from a spouse whose voice you find irritating?
In some families, people talk at the same time, especially during arguments. The volume of each person’s voice rises as they try to get their point out. There is very little listening and acknowledging of each other’s opinions and ideas.
Is this type of discussion acceptable to you?
What do you do when you find yourself in this kind of situation with family or friends?
Can you accept this behavior in your mate’s extended family?
How would you prefer to express disagreements?
Do you view this style of arguing to be a part of your ethnic heritage?
Do you assume your partner will have these characteristics?
How important is each one to you?
Which of these traits do you have and at what level?
- Able to present a balanced picture of their strengths and vulnerabilities. Isn’t threatened by constructive criticism.
- Does not live in a black & white world of everything is great or terrible. Does not ride a roller coaster of emotions.
- Is able to make clear statements about their beliefs, values and priorities.
- Has composed, balanced and thoughtful conversations about controversial issues.
- Appreciates & values people who have different opinions on moral and ethical issues.
- Their behavior is consistent with their beliefs, values and priorities or they are making attempts to change.
- They willingly accept the consequences of their actions.
- Stay calmly connected to significant others even during very stressful situations.
- Emotionally detach themselves from people who try to push their buttons.
- Make decisions & follow through with action on difficult and painful issues.
- Have awareness of the links between stress in one part of their life and the things that are happening in another part of their life.
What school grade level and socio-economic level of vocabulary and grammar do you expect your partner and children to have?
How do you feel when your mate misuses a word or doesn't know the meaning of a "common" word?
Would you comment on it or correct him or her in front of family or friends?
Would you try to help your mate correct this misuse of words?
What do you think of thick regional or ethnic accents you or your partner may have?
Would you encourage your children to have or stop using a recognized or stereotyped speech pattern?
LIES AND LYING
“I can’t stand someone who lies” “Just give it to me straight” “I want someone who is honest”
Do you consider withholding feelings, denying facts or giving wrong information to be types of lying?
There are many different degrees of not telling the truth, the whole truth or true feelings.
Hostility - “I hate your guts” “you stupid idiot” “we’ll NEVER get there now”
Averting blame - “I don’t know how it got broken” “my friend must have put those panties in my car as a joke”
“I thought I had enough in the check book to cover it”
Protecting feelings - “It’s what I always wanted” “you look terrific in that outfit” ‘It’s OK honey” “your weight doesn’t bother me at all” “It’s delicious” “your new hair cut looks fine”
For gain - “It will do everything I promised” “I didn’t see it, honest officer” “make that deduction a little larger” “I’ll ask for the divorce after the holidays”
“I don’t have any money for the candy bar” “It will ruin your dinner”
Are any of the above kinds of lies acceptable to you?
Are “long” periods of silence uncomfortable to you, when you are with your partner?
What is your impression of a couple at a restaurant who spend the meal not talking to each other?
When is it NOT OK to be quiet together?
CHATTERBOXES
Claire wanted a partner who was a conversationalist, she got a chatterbox. At the end of another visit with friends, they stand half way out the door for 20 minutes, Bill is having a good time talking and is annoyed at Claire trying to drag him away.
After 3 hours on the phone with friends, Ann has run out of time to do the chores, “Oh well, relationships are more important than chores” “Sorry I’m home late, we just got talking and the time flew by”
What kind of adjustments are you willing or unwilling to make to be with a talkative partner who values communication over obligations and responsibilities?
What kinds of adjustments are you willing, or not willing to make to be with a talkative partner?
Chapter 18
SPECIAL OCCASIONS AND HOLIDAYSFor most, special occasions are some of the happy and nostalgic stopping points on the passage of their life. For others they are filled with sadness, grief and lost opportunities for communication and closeness. Creating and being part of a special occasion takes a positive attitude and is the culmination of the work of creating positive relationships. Share your vision of what you'd like and the effort you're willing to put in to getting there.
“You can’t go to grandma’s party dressed like THAT!
Please wear a suit to Uncle Bob’s funeral!
You’re not invited to go with the family to ______, as long as you have green hair, or any other ABNORMAL color or style of hair or grooming!
When personal style and expression conflicts with situationally appropriate behavior, dress and grooming, where do you stand?
Under what situations do you or can you insist that your partner or children conform their appearance to your expectations?
Do you send holiday cards?
Do you send birthday or other special occasion cards?
To whom?
What do you think of standard “year in review” letters that are sent to everyone?
What are your feelings about making relationship anniversaries into group events with family or friends?
What are your feelings about being the first or only couple on the dance floor?
Is gift giving and receiving expected at Valentines, your birthday and your anniversary?
What type of celebrations or fuss do you expect to be made over your these occasions?
Do you like or prefer surprises?
What do you usually do for your mate? family? close friends on these occasions?
How do you decide what kind of gifts to buy and how much do you feel should be spent for different kinds of occasions and relationships?
What are your limits?
Describe the gatherings of your extended family at holidays and special occasions.
For some people, the "holiday season" creates an "acceptable or understandable reason to break all kinds of individual and family promises. These often include diet, exercise and budgeting.
Are the holidays reason enough for you to break promises?
How understanding are you of a partner who breaks promises for this reason?
What family holiday traditions did you grow up with or create?
Who did the work to create these experiences?
What traditions do you want to continue with your next family?
For many people, enough is not enough when it comes to holiday food; they need to be bountiful and follow the never empty platter theory.
What do you feel about the amount of food you need to prepare for a large holiday dinner or to bring for a potluck dinner?
Some people entertain, in the host style, where the guests are not allowed to do any "work". Others prefer the family style where the guest's offer of help is eagerly accepted.
How do you entertain and are you willing to entertain with your partners different style?
How clean or straightened does your home need to be for you to invite strangers, family and friends for a holiday party?
Do you not entertain because of the amount you'd "have" to clean or because your home isn't "nice enough"?
CHRISTMAS RULES AND TRADITIONS are very strong and specific for some people. The holiday is just not the same when done differently. Newly combined families often have a very hard time deciding how to share traditions. Families with different religious traditions have even more holiday choices and decisions to make. Below are SOME of the issues you might want to resolve before the stressful holiday time:
THE TREE
Do you buy artificial or “real” one? How much will you spend? How tall?, Color? Small needle or large? Do you flock with fake snow? How many decorations? Home made decorations or store bought? Lights- what size and color? - to blink or not to blink? When does it go up and get taken down? Who puts on the decorations and when? Are the decorations bought or home made? How is tinsel to be put on; if at all? Is the decorating a family event or a surprise for the kids? Are you willing to not have a tree if you are in an interfaith marriage?
GIFT$
Do you prefer that Christmas gifts be opened Christmas eve or in the morning? Are they opened all at one time or alternating? Do the children need to wait to open the gifts until everyone is gathered together? Do all gifts need to be wrapped? What kind of unwrapping ritual do you have? What kind of thanks and appreciation are expected for the gifts? Is the thanks to be given as each gift is opened or a general thanks after the carnage? Is this the time to teach children gift manners or the time for them to show the manners they were taught earlier? What are your feelings about home made versus store bought gifts? Are family gifts suitable alternatives to individual gifts? Are household appliances suitable gifts? What is not a suitable Christmas gift for you to give or receive? Should a gift from a child to a parent be something the child made or worked to earn the money to buy, rather than an item the other parent bought? What are your gift obligations to your extended family? What kinds of gifts go into the stockings?
MISC. CHRISTMAS ISSUES
Who’s families do you visit for the holidays and when?
Are certain family members expected to visit at your home?
Do you go to Christmas Eve church services?
Should children be “forced” to go to Christmas Eve services? At what age?
Do you do any community service during the holidays, as an example for the kids or for your own sense of responsibility?
Do you have a desire to sing Christmas songs?
Who do you send Christmas cards to?
Do you go out of your way to see Christmas parades or bring the kids to a mall Santa?
Do you want to or like to decorate the inside and outside of your home for the holidays? How much is too much?
What did you grow up with?
Chapter 19
LOOKING GOOD FOR OTHERSPride can make you feel good or drive you to distraction in its pursuit.
Am I enough? Do my things and relationships help me feel equal to my peers?
Keeping up with the Jones’ - Do you feel competitive with someone enough to buy things to avoid being outdone or one upped by them? Can you give an example?
How important is it to you that your friends and family like your mate and think he/she is attractive and a great catch?
Have you avoided dating certain people because you felt your family wouldn’t be impressed enough?
Have you avoided socializing with certain people because they wouldn’t impress your other friends?
Are you looking for an attractive person partly because your partner is an extension of you in the world?
The standards of attractiveness set by models and the people available to you in your social or ethnic group can be very different. Do you feel you are settling for less if your partner isn't gorgeous by media standards?
In what way is your car a reflection of your personality or the personality you're trying to project?
How much time and attention do you spend to make a good first impression?
Do you feel better when the things around you are attractively arranged?
Is getting praise for the objects you own a substitute for praise for yourself?
Do you feel better getting praise for the things you do as opposed to the things you own?
Are your looking forward to attending school reunions?
What are your feelings about reunions in general and yours in particular?
Do you want or expect your partner to attend your school reunions?
Chapter 20
YOUR FUTUREHow much of your major life experiences are due to your dreams and goals, followed by a plan and action toward your plan?
Describe your dream: car, house, lifestyle, that you think you are capable of achieving.
What will it take for you to be satisfied?
Why should I invest my future with you?
With you as my partner, how will my life be:
easier? more comfortable? more relaxing? more exciting? more romantic? healthier?
Would your past mates say your relationship did any of these things for them?
Where do you see yourself in 5, 10 and 20 years?
”How do your partner enhancing your capability to reach those goals?
Before I die I want to.....
Supporting family and friends and yourself through dying and funeralsHave you planned your funeral?
What part would you like religion to play in your funeral or memorial service?
Do you believe the religious things said at your funeral will do anything for you?
What do you think are the benefits and purposes of a funeral or memorial service?
How would you like your funeral service to be arranged?
What are your feelings of burial versus cremation?
What are your feelings about “lavish” funerals or your family going into debt for a funeral beyond their means?
Would you do anything different for your family members than you'd want for yourself, regarding a funeral?
What are your general thoughts on how you would like to be treated through your dying experience; either by old age, illness
or tragic accident?
Would you want many visitors, letting friends and family be up front and honest with you about your future or having everyone giving you positive and encouraging comments?
What are your experiences and reactions to dying and grief situations?
How would you like to be supported, and have people act with you if a tragedy happened to a child of yours?
There is nothing like going to someone’s memorial service to make you think about your own life and what your funeral would be
like next week, based on the connections and relationships you have developed. I have been to some services where many people
stood up to give moving tributes to the difference and impact the departed had on them. At other services, not one person stood
to share anything. It was a very long and sad period between the time the minister asked if family or friends had something to
share and the time she came back to the podium, without anyone coming forward.
What do you think your memorial service would be like, next week?
What plans have you made or do you plan to make for your funeral?
What kind of tribute will there be for you and who do you think will stand or cry for you?
Visioning Process - Setting Goals
Take the time, on a regular basis to ask core questions about your relationship and lifestyle.
“Where are we?
Where do we want to go?
What will it take to get there?
Do we want to pay the price?
What is our compromise situation?
Chapter 21
HEALTH ISSUES - PHYSICAL & EMOTIONALGood health helps give you the energy to take care of yourself and your family. When you take care of yourself you also help prevent the energy and financial drain your family has when they are worried about you or are taking care of you.
Emotional & mental problemsWhat emotional illnesses or conditions run in your family?
What is the likelihood that you will be afflicted?
Do you have or have you had any of the following conditions due to stress, fear or anger?
ulcers, headaches, sleeping problems, illnesses?
How do these conditions impact on your relationships?
ALCOHOL, SMOKING AND OTHER DRUGS
What are your general feelings about the emotional make-up of the people who use and abuse them for the affect they get?
ALCOHOL
How much consumption represents abuse or “excessive” use to you?
Are you now or have you ever attended any kind of 12 step program?
If so, what has been your experience with it?
What is your physical reaction to drinking "too much" alcohol?
What is your transformation as you drink?
How much is "too much"?
How much money do you or have you spent monthly for alcohol or other drugs?
How much drinking is acceptable to you for your partner or children? Wine at dinner?
How much alcohol use goes on in your extended family and with you friends?
SMOKING
If you smoke, what does your action say about your concern for your children’s health and their environment?
Do you agree that the ability to say to yourself "I don't care”, “I need to do this now to stay relaxed” I'll quit later" enables you to do all kinds of self destructive behavior?
DRUGS
What specific illegal drugs have you used or do you use?
How much money do you spend on them?
If you use them, are you willing to stop immediately?
Do you have a history of starting and stopping drug taking?
Have you ever taken over the counter drugs for non medical reasons?
What impact have drugs had in your life by you or anyone in your family using them?
COMPULSIVE AND ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS OF ALL KINDS
Do you have any behaviors you or others consider to be addictive, compulsive or a problem?
Discuss the questions and issues above, as they relate to the compulsive or addictive behaviors in your lives.
MENTAL HEALTH PRIVACY ISSUES
When is knowing someone's past mental illnesses, emotional difficulties or more severe past problems important to you, if they are functioning well and have put their past behind them?
Is it anyone's right or responsibility to tell or "warn" you about your partners "troubled" past if your partner is too embarrassed, ashamed or in denial to tell you?
Do you think past emotional or mental health problems are something to be embarrassed and ashamed about?
UNDER WHAT KINDS OF SITUATIONS DO YOU CRY?
Do you try to repress it or do you sob a long time?
When do you prefer to cry alone or be held?
When do you view crying as a sign of weakness?
In what situations does it annoy you or is it not appropriate for an adult to cry?
Do you mind having people see you cry?
RELATIONSHIP HELP
“Why should I go to therapy to learn how to be a better partner, when I’m not as good of a partner as I know how to be now?”
Under what situations would you go to a marriage or family counselor?
Would you go to a therapist alone?
Do you view a persons’ willingness to seek help as a positive trait? and vice versa?
What is your history of interest and participation in relationship improvement?
Do you have role models of relationships that have been helped by counseling?
Do you expect to continually invest time and conversation with your partner on ways to improve and evaluate the state of your relationship and your communications skills?
What is a suitable alternative for you?
Do you know the differences of the kind of help you would expect to get, based on the training and credentials of the therapist?
What do you think of the idea of reading and discussing books on relationships together with your partner, as a way to improve your relationship and prevent future misunderstandings?
Are you aware that for most couples seeking help, the issues they are angry about are just the symptoms of other deeper issues?
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
The word dysfunctional, like the word God, is often broadly defined and subject debatable interpretation. In this context,
I am using it to mean interactions and communication styles that were so painful that you continue to have resentments or upsets about them today.
Do you define your family as “dysfunctional”?
In what ways do you feel you grew up a dysfunctional family?
What behavior are you regretfully duplicating?
Do you use the label “victim of abuse”? Does using this label enable you to continue feeling or acting in a particular way? Do you justify some of your behavior with the line “I act or feel this way because I am a victim of abuse or horrible experiences”?
PHYSICAL HEALTH
What physical illnesses or conditions run in your extended family?
What is the likelihood that you will be afflicted?
How much do you worry about it?
Have you educated yourself about the illness?
How do you monitor yourself for the beginning symptoms?
Do you have or have you had any health conditions which effect your current or future health or life insurance rates or insurability?
Many people do not tell their partner or anyone else when they start to feel symptoms of potentially serious problems. They feel they are protecting others from unnecessary worry and concern until they get around to going to the doctor. What do you think of hiding symptoms and health concerns?
GOING TO THE DOCTOR
At what point in your illness do you go to the doctor?
In what ways and how regularly do you observe your body for symptoms of conditions or disease?
Do you try to learn about health issues so you will know how to monitor and care for yourself?
What does your answer say about you?
What are your feelings about, and experiences with alternative medical and treatments, such as chiropractic, acupuncture or Homeopathy
What is your feeling about people who go to the doctor "too often" or avoid going because they want to "tough it out"?
Are your feelings the same when it involves your mate, parents or children?
The same questions, but involving mental health of all kinds.
How do you feel and function when you are very sick or injured?
What kind of care and concern do you expect or prefer from your mate and family?
What kind of care did you get as a child?
How do you react when someone acts more sick or disabled than you think they really are?
How able or willing are you to handle the dressing of wounds or "unpleasantness" of severe illness of others?
BIRTH CONTROL
Bob hated condoms and spermicides but didn’t want to get cut on, especially “DOWN THERE”.
He was also fearful that it would ruin “the feeling”.
What are your feelings about vasectomies?
What do you know about vasectomies?
Would you have a vasectomy or a tubule legations?
FERTILITY
Infertility or fertility difficulty can be a great burden for many couples. There are many emotional, relationship, physical and financial stresses when dealing with this issue.
How much time, money and energy do you think you would be willing to spend to solve infertility problems, and have a child?
If you very much want a child, would you be willing to marry someone you knew was not able to have children?
If having children is a non-negotiable desire for you, would you check for mutual fertility before getting engaged?
CONCERN ABOUT GERMS
What are your concerns, habits, rules and upsets about germs and cleanliness?
What things would you "forbid" your mate or children from doing, because of your concern for germs and dirt?
Are your feelings different in your home or when no one is watching you?
Your favorite cookie falls on your floor, when you are alone, do you eat it or throw it away?
Which of your foods do you wash and how much do you wash them before eating them?
What other precautions do you take to avoid getting sick?
FEMALE CONDITIONS
Do you think PMS is a real condition?
What are your expectations of someone who says they have PMS?
What kind of physical and emotional reaction do you have to your period?
what kind of support do you want from your partner regarding your period?
Do you have any female health conditions that your partner should know about?
Do you have and carry a list of your major medical history, permission for procedures, doctor and insurance contact information in case of an accident or other medical emergency? Do you have such a list about your children to carry with you and to give to families your kids visit?
DEATH & DYING
What do you think about other people donating organs when someone dies?
Are your feelings different regarding your immediate family or yourself giving or receiving organs?
Are your thoughts based more on emotional ties to the deceased or theological concepts?
Do you have your wishes written down somewhere?
What are your feelings about "pulling the plug" at the end of a loved ones long life, if he/she is in a coma or brain dead?
Discuss issues of quality of life, financial drain, and who benefits from prolonged "suffering" etc.
Do you have a preferred place to be buried?
Do you or your family own a funeral plot for you?
SLEEP, SNORING, SLEEP RESTLESSNESS AND WAKING PROBLEMS AS HEALTH ISSUES
Some people have a very difficult time transitioning from sleep to consciousness and can be very difficult to be awakened. Dan and girl friend Michelle had gone tohis friend’s home in the afternoon to visit. Michelle was tired and took a nap while the two men visited. When it came time leave Dan tried to gently awaken Michelle. He was shocked to find her reaction angry and foul mouthed. She didn’t seem to know where she was and was very angry at the loud voice and shaking that it seemed to be taking to get her to awaken and start functioning. Michelle had a “habit” of mumbling about needing just 10 more minutes of sleep and than promptly falling back to sleep. Dan told me it was a real turnoff and he couldn’t imagine himself or anyone else putting up with this behavior for very long.
How much sleep does it take to keep you feeling well?
How soundly do you sleep?
Has your snoring been a problem for your partners or yourself?
What behavioral or attitude changes occur when you don’t get enough sleep?
How much do you toss and turn when you sleep?
Dave & Susan have a regular battle of the blankets. Dave grabs and turns with the blankets when he is asleep. Susan is awakened regularly defending the stolen covers.
“I can’t sleep well or fall asleep easily with... without.... (which apply to you?)
natural sounds like rain and thunder storms, neighborhood sounds like traffic and dogs barking, household sounds like others talking or making normal activity sounds in other rooms, temperature, breeze, weight or type of blankets and sheets, snoring, moving partners, worries, security fears, teenage children out late at night, too hard of a bed, too soft of a bed, too lumpy of a bed, sleeping bags on the ground, too large of a pillow, too soft of a pillow, the wrong kind of fluffiness or firmness of the pillow, too much light in the room, too much darkness in the room, your pet on the bed, medications, pain, headaches, general worries, excitement about the next day, caffeine, the foods you ate that day, pit stop to the bathroom - have I left anything off?
How much do you expect others to limit their activities for your sleep pattern and preferences?
FAT - THE UNSPOKEN AND OFTEN TABOO QUESTIONS, THOUGHTS AND ISSUES.
“It’s not your problem. Leave me alone about this, there is nothing you can do about it. When I am ready and able to lose the weight I’ll deal with it in my own way”.
“My family and Ex put me through such hell about my weight, it’s no wonder I couldn’t lose it. It was a control issue. I couldn’t do it for them, I have to do it for myself. Things are still pretty stressful in my life so I’m still having trouble with the weight. As soon as things settle down, I’ll start to work on the weight again. If I had a supportive and loving partner, someone who loved me for who I am; than I would really be able deal with the fat and stay on a program.”
This is the ultimate taboo question for many people - Approximately or exactly how much do you weigh?
Is the sharing of this information an issue of acceptance and trust for you?
Are you reluctant to share or are you upset at the request?
What would need to change in our relationship for you to feel OK about telling me?
Fat is a sign of self-image and ___________?
Shame, embarrassment self loathing, low self worth, are some of the cornerstones which typically support obesity.
If you are over-weight do you regularly feel any of the above?
Do you find many of the reasons for your weight cross over into other areas of your life?
Can you share some of the thought processes you have about your eating behavior?
What is your attitude about your weight?
How has your attitude changed over the last few years?
Most obese people have absolute limits of how far they will let themselves go.
Most obese people have been heavier than many previous limits.
Are you heavier now than you ever thought you would tolerate for yourself?
Most fat people have spent hundreds and even thousands of dollars on books, seminars, groups etc.
They know generally what to do.
Do you still think you don’t know how to lose the weight?
Are you still looking for the perfect weight loss program for you?
Why should I believe that your weight is not a symptom of your outlook on life and your ability to deal, in a healthy way, with the stresses of your life an our life together?
In what specific ways will my life, our children’s lives and our activities together, be impacted or limited by your weight and self-image?
REGARDING A PARTNER’S UNWILLINGNESS AND FEAR TO COMMIT TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS OVER-WEIGHT, OR SOMEONE WHO EXHIBITS THE EMOTIONAL TRAITS OF SOMEONE WHO COULD BECOME OBESE
The subject withholding of physical contact and non commitment due to a partners fat are almost always a taboo topic and are denied by the thinner partner. They don’t want to appear to themselves and their partner to be shallow, and end the relationship for this reason. They hang on, avoiding confrontation, waiting for a justifiable reason to leave.
Would you leave a partner if they gained a “great deal” of weight?
In a large % of families with heavy parents, you also see overweight children.
How can I expect you to support or care about my/our children’s weight any better than you do for yourself?
Chapter 22
PARENTS, IN-LAWS, EX’S, AND OTHER FAMILY ISSUES
Draw a family tree, that includes personal information, to help your partner better understand the family connections and remember names - Include age, education, occupation, and things they should know to get along, and make an impression and avoid upsets.
STEP FAMILIES
When Ben and his son moved into Jane’s house, Jane’s daughter and sometimes Jane felt upset about the changes happening in “their” house.
When two families merge into one of the partner’s homes, whose house is it anyway?
How does being a step parent affect all of the areas of discipline and punishment?
What are your experiences and observations about what works and what doesn't work?
Out of guilt and other reasons, some parents have difficulty disciplining their children who spend limited time with them. The non custodial parent doesn’t want upsets for the limited time they are together and the step parent can be very upset by a spouse who fails to take control of a difficult situation.
If you are going to be non custodial parents, how do you intend to handle discipline when no one wants to be the heavy and you don’t think the custodial parent is doing the “right” things?
OTHER FAMILY ISSUES
What should I know about each of your family members to get along with them or impress them as a good catch for you?
Under what conditions should children attend funerals and memorial services?
How plain or lavish a funeral would you plan for your parents, children, spouse or yourself?
What is your willingness to borrow money from, parents, in-laws or other relatives for living expenses due to employment problems or to rescue you from an unexpected major expense?
Would there be implied or actual strings attached?
Some parents feel that you are putting their retirement and assets at risk when you engage in risky activities (not using your seatbelt among other things) and don’t have the insurance coverage and assets to support your family if you lost your job due to injury or death. How could they stand by and have you lose your home or not get medical treatment for you, if they had money in the bank: their retirement.
What would be your expectations in this kind of situation?
Would you expect your parents to give up their retirement money for medical treatment for your children?
What is your willingness, desire, reluctance or disdain for having your elderly parent(s) move into your home when the need or situation arises?
Have you been able to objectively detach yourself from any wrongs done to you by your parents, or are you stuck, in some areas, by blame and resentment?
How does this affect your emotions and behavior?
What do you think it would take for you to forgive your parents for their limitations and develop a more positive relationship with them or better feelings about them?
Chapter 23
INTERESTS AND RECREATIONWhat hobbies and collections have you had, have now or would like to have in the future?
What do you do for recreation?
At what point does it become excessive and at what point does one partner have the "right" to restrict the time or money spent on a hobby, recreation or collection by their partner or children?
How important is your regular participation?
Is it more of a social outlet or emotional escape for you?
What do you get excited talking about?
What would you like to learn or learn to be good at?
What do you daydream about most?
At what point would you consider your partner’s hobby or recreation to be excessive?
How much time away from family would you accept?
Would you be willing to devote your family time and resources to support your mate’s or child's hobby or talent?
Are you willing to be a sports widow or widower?
How much family money do you think is reasonable for recreation?
Do you go into debt to buy recreational "toys"?
How would your lack of enjoyment or understanding of the activity affect the support you would give your mate's or children's interest in an activity?
What role does watching and following sports have in your life?
How much "family time" are you willing to sacrifice to watch or to have your mate watch and discuss sports?
Do you enjoy playing cards, board games and parlor games?
Do you prefer to be on your partner’s team?
Do you have a strong need to follow "the rules"?
When is winning or beating your partner important to you?
Would you purposely lose some games to your partner, or only play games where you were equally matched?
When you are much better at a game, do you hold back to make the game appear to be more competitive?
What do you think about fishing and hunting?
A vacation to you is:
- doing something exciting?
- time to see relatives and friends?
- relaxing from the stress of work by veging-out?
- being away from the kids doing adult activities?
- being with the kids building family memories?
- time to catch up on home repairs?
What are you unwilling to do on vacation?
Considering your budget, what would you like to do on your next vacation?
What would be your dream vacation?
Some people are or have been such fans of sports or entertainment people that they join fan clubs and spend money, time and energy to be near or around the person; living or dead. To see hundreds and thousands of people traveling great distance, waiting in long lines and screaming for the chance of seeing their special person is hard to understand and support for many people.
Thousands of people still buy flowers for Elvis’s grave every year and send gifts to their favorite celebrity. Others have spent $350 per ticket to see a Barbara Streisand concert or traveled the country following the Grateful Dead.
Do you see yourself as a big fan of anyone?
How much time, energy and money do you spend on this activity?
Would you be willing to stop spending time, money and energy on this activity because it displeased or was not understood by your new partner?
Would you continue to spend money on this activity even if you had household debts or unfunded “needs”?
Would you be willing to encourage and support a partner or child in fan activity, if the family had unfunded obligations and goals?
At what point would you say, ask or insist that the activity slow down or stop?
Have you done anything to make a difference in your community?
Do you have any plans or ambition to do more in the future?
Why or why not?
Involvement in a group and cause, can be all absorbing, time consuming and be the focus of your family’s social life.
Are you actively involved in a group and do you hope to stay as actively involved after you have found a partner?
How much would it bother you if your partner didn't want to participate with you?
Chapter 24
HOME ENVIRONMENT AND STYLEFor some, their home environment and style is a reflection of themselves. Other people have no interest at all in how their home looks.
Your views affect the amount of time, energy and serenity your home gives and takes from you.
How concerned or interested are you in your home’s furnishings, decoration and style?
What do you want and how do you decide how much to spend on it?
Do you enjoy shopping for household items?
What style of furnishings do you prefer?
What is your level of concern, interest and effort to organize the storage of your stuff.
How has it changed over time?
Is what your potential partner sees, in your home, your long term pattern or just for courtship?
How much household disorganization, mess and clutter is normal? acceptable? tolerable? and upsetting for you?
At what point do you decide to start and stop cleaning your home?
Tell about your standards of cleanliness and organization for yourself.
Do you expect your family members to clean more or better than yourself?
Is a slob a slob forever?
How do you adjust your standards of household cleanliness when you know family or friends are coming to visit?
Are there things that you own that you consider "off limits" by anyone, including your partner?
Personally addressed mail is very private to some people.
What are your feelings about your mail and who can open and read it?
How do you prefer to entertain friends and relatives in your home?
How clean or straightened does your home need to be for you to feel comfortable with:
friends, family, neighbors, tradesmen, strangers, co-workers, your boss?
Have you not had visitors because you were not willing to straighten up to company standards?
JOANA AND JAYS CLEANING STORY
Joana and Jay had very different ideas on how clean their home needed to be for family visitors, in their early years. For Jay the house represented himself, as a clean and organized person and as a symbol of his ability to manage his life. Joana felt that the way they lived, with kids and dual careers, was how most similar families lived. She felt that family is coming to see people and not the house. They fought about the level of cleaning that Jay had insisted on and his expectation that the family clean with him, until he was satisfied. This fighting and cleaning process often went on to the point of visitors coming up the walkway. The bad feelings put a real damper on the socializing and any positive experience of entertaining.
After counseling, the family has made compromises to ease the tension. There are many issues going on in a story like this. Hopefully, discussing these kind of situations early on in the relationship can reduce the amount of anger and emotional pain that accompanies different cleaning philosophies.
MOVING IN & COMBINING OUR STUFF - INTO YOUR HOME
If /when you move in together, what changes would you like made to the furnishings or decor within the first 6 months?
Which furnishings would you like to keep?
Which furnishings should be sold?
What organizational changes would you like to see made if we move in together?
Would you be upset if I rearranged the closets and cabinets without consulting you?
NOISE LEVEL
Some people easily live in and enjoy a noisy and active home and others prefer a house quiet enough to hear the clocks ticking.
What is your preference about noise in your home?
Are you easily distracted and upset by noise and movement when you are concentrating on a project?
Do you need complete quiet to fall asleep at night or fall back to sleep in the early morning?
Do you expect the rest of the family to be very quite whenever any member of the family "needs" quiet to study or sleep?
How we live as individuals may be different than how we imagine ourselves living as a couple. If and when we moved in together, what changes would be important foe you to make about our home environment from the way you live now and the way I live now? What changes would you like to happen and what would you be insistent about? What degree of importance are the different areas? (When do you imagine the energy, time or resources will appear so that the changes can happen)
Chapter 25
PETSPets are very important to many people.
What has been your experience with pets and would you be willing to not have any?
What role do pets play in your life?
How much time and money are you willing to spend for grooming, food and toys for your pet?
Pets can be very expensive, messy, smelly and destructive; muddy feet, carpet stains, food and vet bills.
What sacrifices are you willing to make to have pets?
When your partner or children "promise" to take care of a pet in order to have it and then don't; what should be the consequences?
How much money are you willing to spend to buy pets?
How much money are you willing to spend to care for pets?
Do you take in strays that come to your door?
If a pet doesn't turn out as you expect, being unruly, mean, damaging or impractical for your living situation, are you obliged to care for the pet until it dies?
Do pets have a "right" to exist or exist in your home?
How many training classes would you attend before giving up and giving away your pet?
How has your family handled the death of pets?
At what point do you put your pet to sleep, due to illness or accident?
How much are you willing to spend at the vet to cure or prolong its declining life or healthy life?
How much money would you spend at the vet for your child's or parents’ pet; homeless pet or wild animal?
We've all seen the "extremes" of pet care.
What lifestyle do your pets deserve or get?
How much do you spend a month on your pets?
Chapter 26
WHAT DOES MARRIAGE CHANGE?Just the fact that so many people put off marrying indicates that there is a psychological and symbolic significance to marriage that sets it apart from steady dating or living together.
Many people look forward to and expect "things to change" and "settle down" after marriage. It is very important to discuss how your rules and assumptions of married couple’s lives are different than for any other level of relationship. One of the differences between couples who stay together or break up early in marriage is their attitude toward their problems. The intensity of expression of feelings about problems is much higher in couples who break up. First marriages are particularly vulnerable because the couple does not seek solutions and perspective from other couples until a difference has become a major problem.
How do you expect your relationship and situations to change after you get married?
What has been your experiences and what have you noticed in others?
What are your feeling or experiences with living together before marriage?
Do you think your partner will find additional reasons to commit to you by living with you? What are they?
If there is ANY verbal abuse or hostility in your relationship while dating, do you know what the odds are that the person will change after marriage? Do you know how much and what kinds of professional therapy it takes for angry and upset people to change? Would you tolerate this same behavior from a non-romantic roommate?
Do you feel "entitled" to a more predictable and stable lifestyle after marriage?
John found it difficult to reduce the amount of time he spent with his single friends after the wedding. Ann thought the wedding marked a new life of “togetherness”.
How do you expect marriage to change who and how much you socialize individually or as a couple?
Many people expect their partner to give up their platonic relationships with past lovers.
Discuss time spent with friends; how much is too much? How much is too little?
Some close friends share the most intimate and "private" details in their relationships.
What are your experiences and feelings about doing this and having your partner tell your "secrets" to others?
Does marriage give you any entitlement to sex?
How does marriage affect how often you expect to have sex and how willing your partner will be to romance, even if they "don't feel like it now"?
Does your marriage have to start with the intent of being “forever”?
Some people view themselves as representatives of their spouse and family when they are out in public. Others expect their partner to act, speak and look in ways that avoid embarrassment and bring pride to the family name.
Some people have very specific “rules” about what is “proper” and whose opinion matters.
Can you accept and live with your partner’s rules.
Does marriage formalize your role as an ambassador of your partner or family?
Chapter 27 Children
Underlying many questions and issues, including children is “What do we as a family or I as an individual do or believe differently because of our /my national origin ethnic or religious identity?
Do you feel a calling to be a parent?
How would you rate your childhood?
How would you want your children’s lives to be similar or different than yours
How would you rate your parents parenting skills, beliefs and behavior?
Do you have role models for good parenting?
Do you have role models for great kids that you hope your kids would be like?
How similar are you their parents?
Do great kids come from less than great parents?
How much hugging and kissing was their when you were a child? (was that OK with you?
What level of affection do you hope to have with your children?
How much is too much for you?
Do you have role models for good parenting that you can go to for advice?
How many children are too many for you?
Would you feel unfulfilled or deprived if you didn’t have a child?
Is it important to you to have at least one of each sex?
Are you looking forward to your children having great experiences that you had?
Are you looking forward to your children having great experiences that you missed?
Are you emotionally prepared for a child with mental or physical challenges?
How do you plan to deal with a child’s 24/7 need for care with your need /desire for personal time?
Are there names of children that you hope to have or never would have?
What ages of children do you enjoy being around most and least?
How knowledgeable are you about childhood illnesses and conditions.
Do you have 1 or more people to go to for advice or help with children’s and parenting issues?
How clean does your house have to be for a baby?
If that is different than your normal level of cleaning how will you develop the new habits and energy to do it?
How important is it that your children have a strong religious identity?
How important is it that your children have a high level of religious oriented activities and congregational participation?
How important is it the your children have your religious or spiritual identity
How important is it that your children have your level / degree of religious or spiritual identity and participation?
(orthodox vs reform)
What activities would you steer your child towards or away from?
Certain activities involve a great deal of parent and family sacrifice in time and money
How much is too much for you?
Discipline /punishment issues:
What language between children or towards parents is absolutely forbidden?
Treating and rewarding children differently based on behavior and attitude:
What privileges do/will your children deserve regardless of their behavior?
Pets issues:
Do children deserve/need a dog or other pets?
Private space issues:
When do children earn the right to have locks on the door and lock parents out?
Is your hose a family hose with each having private space or is it the parents house? (when in my hose these are the rules and limits)
In what situations does your child have the right to tell you to not go into their room or other space?
What do you believe about the differences in children based on their birth order?
What effect do you think astrology has on people?
Would you try to time the birth so your child would have a certain sign?
What expectations do you have about academic performance?
When would you be disappointed?
What do you feel about nudity in the family?
When do parents start to cover up in front of the kids?
CHILDREN
Do you feel a need or desire to have a child or another child?
Would you have a child to please your partner?
What situations would need to occur for you to change your mind?
Do you have concerns about infertility or the ability to carry a baby to term?
Has it been a problem for you in the past?
When would you consider adopting?
Would you consider adopting an older child, a child from another country or of another race?
Do you have a basic child rearing philosophy; what is it?
Who was your greatest influence and role model in developing your child rearing ideas?
What do children really need to grow up confident and independent?
How do you determine what kind of punishment a child deserves?
Is spanking acceptable; how much, how long, under what situations and conditions?
Can you compromise with a partner who has a very different view of physical punishment than you?
Are there kinds of physical punishment that are acceptable to you?
Do you view yelling and screaming at children to be abuse that has long term negative impact?
When you sense your partner is out of control in their anger at your children, when and how do you step in?
A key philosophical question that affects your household rules is:
Do your kids live in your house or does the family live in the family home?
At what point would you tell your children to move out of “your” house, if they don’t respect or obey your rules?
Is everyone entitled to the same things for just being part of the family?
Can your children spend family money on personal items in proportion to family income or on what they really “need”?
How is need determined?
Are your children "permitted" to spend a portion of their earnings in a "foolish" way?
What would you forbid your child to buy?
How would you handle the situation if they bought something "foolish"; what are the consequences?
The family was straightening up the house on a hot Saturday afternoon before going to visit Grandma. Billy put up a big fuss about cleaning up “his” room. “Why couldn’t his parents just close the door to his room and leave it alone?. He barely picked up anything before they had to leave. On the way to Grandma’s house, Dad wanted to buy some ice cream cones but decided to pass because Billy’s behavior didn’t warrant it.
At what point do you not buy certain treats for the family because a child has done or not done what is “expected” of the other family members?
How much and when don’t you rescue your children from situations you warned them about?
Their bike gets stolen from the front of the house, because they didn’t put it away. Do you buy them another bike; when they are 7 years old, when they are 14 years old?
When do you give “extras” (in time, energy or things) to a child who has been “irresponsible” in your opinion?
What are the consequences of deliberate actions by your child which test your rules and advice?
Give some examples of defiance and your response to it.
How would you suggest your child deal with a school yard bully?
What did your parents tell you to do? Did it work?
Dirt wars - Are your kids permitted to have their own space, free from the prying eyes or demands of their parents?
At what age or under what conditions do kids earn or lose this “right” or privilege.
What should the consequences be for children who don’t take care of “their” clothes or toys because it is their things?
How dirty/messy/filthy is a child entitled to keep their room? (“You don’t have to look, keep the door closed, it’s MY room”.)
If they don’t take care of what they have, do you believe they “deserve” more stuff?
Should items gradually be “removed” from their room until they can maintain what’s left?
What can or should parents do about teens and smoking?
Are you willing to buy cigarettes for your kids?
If they have enough extra money to afford cigarettes, why do they need parents’ money for anything?
“You can’t go to grandma’s party dressed like THAT!
Please wear a suit to Uncle Bob’s funeral!
You’re not invited to go with the family to ______, as long as you have green hair, or any other ABNORMAL color or style of hair or grooming!
“Why can’t you/they accept as I am? “I’m just experimenting with my identity because it’s fun!” “I’m not doing anything to you and I’m not insisting that you change.” “JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”
When personal style and expression conflicts with situationally appropriate behavior, dress and grooming, where do you stand?
Under what situations do you or can you insist that your children conform their appearance to your expectations?
CHILDREN AND SEX
What are your feelings about discussing reproduction, menstruation and sexuality with your children?
Many people find it difficult to discuss these issues with their same sex children, and “just too much to handle” with opposite sex children?
Have you thought about what you’d say to your kids as they grew up?
Some parents are willing to be reactive, only answering questions if they are asked, and hoping that their kids learn sexuality elsewhere. Other parents drip the information and values into their kids over the years, taking advantage of TV and movies to discuss situation ethics and find out what their children know and understand.
As a father, is your daughter’s first menstruation something you want to know about or feel comfortable discussing with her?
Have you discussed it with her or planned what you will do when it comes and made sure she has what she needs and knows what to do when it comes?
Have you or do you know how to develop a communication comfort level so that your kids come to you with sexuality and reproductive questions?
What do you think of your teenage or adult children sleeping together with their partners or having sex in your home?
Does it matter if they are married or in a committed relationship? Gay?
What were the rules in your parents’ home?
How much do your feelings have to do with your acceptance of their sexuality and maturity?
Would you marry someone if their teenage children didn’t like or respect you?
Your child surprises you with the announcement that they are gay; you hope that your reaction would be...
Do you believe in treating children as little adults; giving them choices and asking their permission as much as possible?
Do you think kids need to be directed and told what to do most of the time to protect them from getting into trouble,
or to do it right?
Do you think kids in general, or your kids in particular, naturally gravitate towards mischief and danger?
Do you think the environment outside the home or a parent’s influence has the greatest impact on a person’s development?
Should or can parents be held responsible for the behavior of their teenage children?
When do you expect your kids to do exactly what you've asked, requested or demanded without question or second guessing your intent?
How does it make you feel when your child questions the merit or advisability of your request?
When is it OK to say no?
What is the best way for your child to clarify your request without questioning its' merit?
What do you think causes a child's "don't care" attitude about responsibilities or achievement and what should or can a parent do about it?
How much do you think it costs to raise a child to18 years of age, in the style of your peer group, or hoped for peer group?
Are you willing to lower your lifestyle to have a child or additional children?
How much of your time and emotional energy is tied up in your children?
How do you decide when and how to say no to their requests and take care of your own interests and needs?
How do you decide how many things, activities and experiences your children need or deserve?
Are you obligated to keep up with your peer group?
What do your children deserve for just being in the family?
When one child is working hard to meet their personal and family responsibilities and the other has a "don't care" attitude, how do you divide your energies and resources and is favoritism permitted?
In the name of enrichment, many parents enroll their kids in activities to the point of overload.
How much directing and pushing do you do to broaden your child’s experiences?
How do you balance group and team activities against individual sports and talents?
Is it better to focus most of a child’s time toward excelling in one activity or having many different experiences?
Do you love to be with your children or others children?
Bill usually asked his children their opinion and choices on most situations that involved them. He also took great pains to try to explain his decisions to his kids to try and get their co-operation. Alice came from the “because I told you so” school.
Each approach upset their spouse and especially their step children who grew up with different rules.
What are your guidelines about what choices and explanations your kids need or deserve?
Are you willing to compromise if you have different ideas about kids’ rights to know and decide?
What is the importance of family dinners for you?
What have they been like and what do you want them to be like?
Some hobbies and athletic activities have levels of physical risk and danger. How do you decide how much physical danger or risk you are willing to have your children, partner or yourself involved in?
Adult children are moving back into their parents’ home or delaying moving out in increasing numbers, due to economic situations or lack of preparation for the cold, cruel world.
What are or would be your feelings about this?
What house rules would you insist on?
In what situations would you ask or tell your child to leave again?
Do you feel it is OK to bale your children out of financial difficulties if they have been financially irresponsible?
When do you stop financially supporting your children?
When do you stop paying for things they can afford to buy for themselves?
At what point are you supporting and encouraging continued dependency?
How would grandchildren affect your answers?
If you are supporting your adult children in your home, do you have the right to discipline your grandchildren and require that everyone live under your rules and make progress towards independence as you see it?
When you go to a kid’s sporting event and watch parents screaming at their kids, the emphasis on fun and learning skills seems to be lost.
What are your feelings about your children playing sports for the fun of it, rather than to win?
For you, how are kids sports for the fun, camaraderie and skill development more important than to winning?
What do you say or yell as you cheer your child, when they play?
“Children can be cruel” is an often-heard phrase; you may have done it or been a “victim” of daunting or bratty behavior.
What responsibility do parents have “allowing” this kind of behavior to start or continue?
Is “kids will be kids” or something similar, a satisfactory parental excuse for you?
What do you do to prevent, stop or monitor bratty or cruel behavior by your child or others children under your supervision?
In what ways would you like your child to be different than your mate?
What are your thoughts on giving money to your children, as an allowance?
What rules and expectations do you think are reasonable for helping your children learn financial responsibility and planning?
How would you set the amount of money to be given?
Give some examples, based on your family situation.
PARENTS AND IN-LAWS
What is your parent’s relationship like?
How are you similar to them in your relationships with mates?
How are they role models for you?
Some people feel their partner is too close and shares too much information with their parents or family; loyalty is a major issue.
Have you felt this at times and how would you prefer it be resolved?
What is your willingness to accept gifts and lifestyle from your in-laws which are far beyond your financial status?
If you would not accept such gifts, why not?
Do you see the gifts as manipulative?, indirect messages?, attempts at control?, be specific.
Do they give similar gifts to others? Do other family members share similar feelings to you, about this?
What is the difference, to you, between these type of gifts and their inheritance to you?
At what point would you want to control the “lavish” gifts given to your children, which you consider too expensive or counter to the values you are trying to give your children?
What rights do the grandparents have to give their grandchildren what they want to give?
What are the issues, as you see them?
Chapter 28
BREAKING UP & DIVORCEHow do you know when you’re no longer in love, even the long term kind?
In what ways does your relationship need to change for you to consider leaving, and then do it?
What do you do when you become physically and sexually turned off to your partner?
Should you ever admit these feelings to your partner?
Is your lack of desire for your partner a good enough reason to "fool around" or get divorced; even if you have kids?
When is having a romanceless and sexless relationship worth having?
What would you tell your partner or marriage counselor when your lack of romantic assertiveness and responsiveness is brought up?
Is there such a thing as a good divorce?
Should you stay together for the sake of the children or anyone else?
How much physical abuse would it take for you to immediately leave the relationship, regardless of your emotional ties?
What other reasons would cause you to move out of the house immediately?
What reasons would cause you to leave someone if they happened over a period of time, in spite of promises that your partner would change?
Do you maintain relationships with former partners or with their families?
Chapter 29
I DON’T CARE. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. IT’S JUST NOT IMPORTANT TO METhese issues are hard to discover until a specific situation is presented. Not wanting to know can be viewed as sticking your head in the sand, minding your own business, staying focused, or avoiding confrontation. On the positive side, you might not want to be limited by what has happened in the past. When a person who asks many questions gets together with someone who values privacy, hard feelings are often created around the process of how, why and when information is shared. Ignorance seldom fosters long term happiness.
What kind of information do you want to agree to never share?
What do you gain by not knowing? Be aware of what you’re not asking or watching for.
The "magic" factor;
First timers often say; “why analyze our relationship to death? We're passionately in love. We were meant to be together and we'll be fair and work things out. Let's not get bogged down in the details.”
Relationship veterans know that details count and are indicators to their future.
Chapter 30 APPENDIX -
Measuring your feelings for more accurate understanding.Compare what you think on an issue with what you think your partner thinks that you think. i.e. I think I’m an 8 in tenderness, I think my partner is a 9 in tenderness, I think that she thinks of me as a 7 in tenderness, I think she will say that I think I’m a 10 in tenderness
Relationship profile - compare your thinking on an issue
Duplicate this chart on two sheets of paper - one for each of you.
Get small chips - one for each scale. You can also put down numbered marks on the floor, and step on your responding number for a more dramatic and visual exercise.
You may also choose to value weigh the questions and issues in advance of responding to them.
A – issues are vital B - issues are a concern C – issues are of general interest
You can then look at your similarities and differences in the different categories.
Many will say this is far too scientific for a subject such and love and compatibility.
I say we are doing this evaluation already with each issue and conversation we have, but our limited memory doesn’t allow us to see the whole picture very clearly and we selectively forget the less than flattering information when we are under the drug of infatuation.
You may need to reword some of the questions to work in this format.
An example - How romantic are you?
1. I think I’m an 8 in romantic actions
2. I think you think of yourself as very romantic- you would give yourself a 9
3. I think you are an 8
4. You think I feel I am a Don Juan and you think I would give myself a 10
5. You think my actions make me a 5 and my intentions are a 9.
Another example - How capable are you to make small household repairs?
1. I think I’m very handy - I give myself an 8
2. I think you feel very unmechanical, you would give yourself a 3
3. I think you have very little knowledge - I think you are a 2
4. You think I would give myself a 7
5. You think I am a 10
Different perceptions for the same reality.
Your degree of feelings/attitudes/beliefs about yourself on the issue1.l l l l l l l l l
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
How you think your partner will respond about themselves
2. l l l l l l l l l
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
How I think you are / feel / believe about yourself
3. l l l l l l l l l
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
How you think your partner thinks you will respond about yourself
4. l l l l l l l l l l
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
What your partner thinks is true about you
5. l l l l l l l l l l
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Life Satisfaction - Life Desires - Willingness to Change
Where are you and where do you want to go?
What I Have is ___ % of what is my ideal for me at this point in my life
What I Have is ___% of what I hope to earn in the future.
What specifically would be perfection for me in this area?
Am I willing to make the changes that would be required to have my current ideal of satisfaction?
What % of my ideal do I expect to have in the near or far future?
What % of your effort are you putting in or have in this area of your life? Is it acceptable to you?
What % of my ideal do I have now?
Physical fitness
Relationship with parents
number of children
Relationship with my children
Relationship with extended family
Community status
Feeling of overall contentment
level & # of friendships
Life accomplishments
home / house
Overall health
Current job
Career direction
Education
Social skills
Wardrobe
Financial resources
Recreational toys
Travel experiences
My car / truck
Overall lifestyle
General Level of Feelings you have 0 = None to 100 = overwhelming
respect of myself
respect in community
creativity
overall aliveness
confusion of what to do
depressed
sadness
inadequacy
happiness
excitement
adventuresome
playfulness
victimized
in control of most situations
admiration by folks who matter to me
undeserving
awkwardness
stress
frustration with myself
frustration with others
disappointment with myself
disappointment in others
anger
dignity
confidence
The questions and issues in this book will help you to be very specific about what you want and need in a permanent relationship and what you are willing and able to offer; they are often not the same.
You will be able to discuss a lifetime of daily and difficult family situations, using this book as a guide.
- Which traits are you willing to compromise and which behaviors are unacceptable to you, ever?
- When should your new love know about the situations that drive you crazy or that make you blissfully happy?
- How much time are you willing to invest in a relationship to discover upsetting issues that would cause you to leave your new partner?
- Do you believe the more someone knows you the more they'll love you?
I'm looking to share this and related content in a wide range of social media, professional publications and presentations to groups. Any connections will be greatly appreciated
Podcasters and radio show hosts will find my interviews to be lively and packed with great advice and ideas.
Dave Savage - Atlanta
cell 404 323-8686 Dave@DaveSavage.com Skype video - Dave.savage2606